Ok, I’ve begin the lost column archive and I’m still looking for the old IBM column which lists ALL the meanings for I.B.M. In the meantime, I found this hilarious column I wrote in 1988 where people made interesting predictions about computing in the year 2000. This first ran in the DEC Professional. Computing in the Year 2000

More proof that you should never make predictions.



  1. Snark Johnson says:

    Where is all of that wonderful stuff? I see that in this article you used the word “sexy” to describe something. Must have been a carryover from the “386 SX” days when all the ads had puns on SX.

  2. John C. Dvorak says:

    Move along boys..nothing to see here…

  3. Paul Barsotti says:

    More Lost Columns, please!

  4. Mike Cannali says:

    See what happens when you drop a most significant bit. It wasn’t 2000 but 3000.
    Let’s see the My Dinner with IBM one

  5. zave shapiro says:

    Thanks, John. Just shows how boring predictions are. But stories about the past – who had an original idea, who screwed who – are always terrific stories.

  6. Paddy Mullen says:

    I have been reading some of your older articles at my school’s library. I particularly enjoyed “the network shell game” from November 25th, 1986. What year did you start writing for PC mag. Have you ever thought of combining all of your columns into a book.

  7. John C. Dvorak says:

    Yes, I’ve been working on it actually. The Book of Lost Columns.

  8. Eric Joyce says:

    Text of Computer Digest, July 1989, page 38

    Every Name for IBM You Could Ever Imagine (ALMOST!)

    Some years ago I asked readers to send me their interpretation of the letters I.B.M. – what does IBM really mean? I cited the funniest ones, but I never published the complete list for posterity. The typesetters will hate me for this, but here is every iteration of IBM known to man(cut and save).

    Ideas Bring Money
    Insidious Byzantine Mentality
    Intergalactic Bottomline Mistake
    Inevitably Bad Marketing
    Indecision Breeds Mistakes
    Ishallah Burak Ma’lesh
    Imensa Bola De Manteca
    Iconoclastic Bilateral Monopoly
    Incontinent Bandolerisimo Moloch
    Imperial Bellicose Marauder
    Impious Bacchanalian Metropolis
    I’d Buy Macintosh
    Imbecilic Bad Micros
    Imperialism By Marketing
    Intensely Boring Machines
    Interesting But Mundane
    Internals By Mediocrity
    Into Building Money
    Industries Bungling Monolith
    Irresponsibility Behaved Multinational
    Increasingly Bad Manufacturing
    Insipidly Bankrolling Millions
    Inconsistent Business Machines
    Innovation By Management
    Industry Bowel Movement
    I’m Being Manipulated
    International Brotherhood Magicians
    Intercourse Beats Masturbation
    Incredibly Bloody Minded
    Incredibly Ballsey Marketers
    Intentionally Braindamaged Machinery
    Idealistically Backward Microcomputers
    Idle Brain Malfunction
    Imitable Boring Microcomputers
    Impeccably Blue-dressed Managers
    Itty Bitty Machines
    International Bowel Movement
    I Bring Manuals
    I’ve Been Misled
    Ifs Buts Maybes
    It’s Better ‘morrow
    Incompatible Blue Machines
    Indigestion Bothers Me
    Intermashable Byte Manipulators
    I Broke Mine
    Idiots Being Mental
    I’ve Been Mauled
    Invented By Maladroits
    Invented By Marketing
    Insulting Boorish Manner
    Icons Bygones My Mom’s
    It Breaks Monthly
    Infinitely Baffling Motives
    I’m Buying Macintosh
    It’s Better Manually
    Imitation Burroughs Machine
    Incredibly Big Monster
    Itty Bitty Mentality
    Incredible Bowel Movement
    I’ve Been Mesmerized
    Insignificant Bothersome Machine
    It’s Broke Ma’am
    In Business (for) Money
    International Bit Mangler
    Increasingly Banal Management
    Infernal Blue Machines
    Insultingly Boring Microcomputers
    Ill-mannered Besotted Macrocosm
    Immeasurable Bigheaded Malapert
    Impersonal Bellicose Magnate
    Insolent Bickering Mal-der-mer
    Indecorous Big-named Medusoid
    Inept Bullying Menace
    Incredibly Boastful Mercenary
    Immovable Brash Monolith
    Inferior Before Macintosh
    Ici Beaucoup Merde
    I’m Beyond Mistakes
    I’ve Been Mangled
    Inherently By Microsoft
    Incredibly Bad Manuals
    I’ll Buy Macintosh
    It’s Beyond Monolithic
    Install Bigger Memory
    Infernal Biggest Mistake
    Incredibly Broad Monopoly
    Intriguingly Blue Motif
    Incredibly Bad Merchandizing
    It’s Bugging Me
    Itty Bitty Mouse
    I Bring Madness
    Incredibly Big Manufacturer
    Industries Biggest Mistake
    I Built Mine
    Inane Brutish Merchandising
    Infinite Budget Merchandising
    It’s Bullshit Mummery
    It’s Become Monolithic
    Inadequates Becoing Millionaires (sp-Becoming?)
    I’d Be Misinforming
    Idiots Become Managers
    Incredibly Boring Manuals
    Incredibly Belligerent Marketing
    Interesting But Mediocre
    Invented By Murphy
    Insanely Better Marketing
    Illustrious Busy Mice
    Itty Bitty Maharishi
    It’s Been Malfunctioning
    Ill-manners Being Mandatory
    It Broke Me
    Illustrious Bankruptcy Malefactor
    Insensitivity Begets Mediocrity
    I’ve Become Magnanimous
    I Blame Mathematics
    Internal Byte Malfunction
    Intellectually Blessed Marketers
    Instant Black Market
    IBMers Bug Me
    Indestructible Blue Monster
    Incredibly Big Money
    Indisposed Black Monday
    I Believe (in) Money
    Industry Bully Magnifique
    Incredibly Boring Machines
    Infoworld’s Best Moneymaker
    International Business Manipulators
    Industry’s Big Mama
    Intel’s Best Merchandiser
    Innovation? Bah? Marketing!
    I’ve Been Megamarketed
    Industry’s Being Megamarketed
    International Business Machines
    Imitation Burroughs Machines
    Improved Burroughs Machinery
    Inferior Business Machines
    Immensely Bland Mercenaries
    Impudent Boorish Mob
    Imperfect Bombastic Moneymakers
    Infamous Bizarre Monsters
    Inhuman Babbling Madmen
    Ignorant Baffling Majority
    Illusive Bewildering Mystics
    Identical Belligerent Myths
    Imperishable Brutal Manure
    Insipid Barbaric Magicians
    Itsy Bitsy Monopoly
    Intentionally Been Manipulated
    I Buy More

    John C. Dvorak graduated from the University of California. He is a contributing editor of PC Magazine and MacUser, considered by many to epitomize the contrarian view of things – a charge that he vehemently denies. Dvorak’s motto is: If you have nothing nice to say, then don’t say anything at all.


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