This is your squirrel. This is your squirrel on crack. Got it?

BRIXTON (South London Press) – NATURE lovers fear that squirrels could become hooked on crack cocaine plundered from addicts’ hidden stashes.

The furry animals are thought to be behind a new drugs turf war in Brixton – stealing rocks of crack hidden in front gardens.


Tough police action to rid the town centre of dealers and addicts has seen crackheads abandon their usual drug stash hideouts. But the blitz has displaced some dealing into nearby residential streets. Drug addicts are known to be hiding small stashes of crack rocks in people’s front lawns late at night.

Squirrels have been spotted in the same front gardens, seemingly hunting out the buried narcotics. The discovery has led some residents to speculate that the squirrels are already in the grips of addiction.

One resident, who asked for his name to be withheld, told the South London Press, “I was chatting with my neighbour who told me that crack users and dealers sometimes use my front garden to hide bits of their stash. An hour earlier I’d seen a squirrel wandering round the garden, digging in the flowerbeds. It looked like it knew what it was looking for. It was ill-looking and its eyes looked bloodshot but it kept on desperately digging. It was almost as if it was trying to find hidden crack rocks.”

Crack squirrels are a recognised phenomena in the US. They are known to live in parks frequented by addicts in New York and Washington DC. The squirrels have attacked park visitors in their frenzied search for their next fix.

An RSPCA spokesman said he was unaware of the squirrels taking crack in Brixton.



  1. Ionem Belcour says:

    This is real, man?

    Haha, that’s pretty crazy. This sort of thing shows us what our world is like today, eh? Drugs haven’t had enough spreading to our youth, right, but continue on to our wildlife? Go figure, man.

  2. John Wofford says:

    So now we know where the squirrels that jump out in front of that doomed car in the commercial come from. What they don’t show us is the frantic after the crash search for drugs and nuts.
    But wait; how about you awake from a sound sleep with a demonic squirrel crouched on your chest, eyes red, small body wasted, limbs twitching and teeth chittering and he is staring hungrily at your throat? Our little friends from the forest seem to have discovered something better to flavor their nuts with.

  3. Rick James says:

    Cocaine is a helluva drug

  4. Denise says:

    Who cooked it up for the squirrels, or do they just eat the hard rock and become crazed. I am definately curious about this cause this is hilarious.


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