Calling Your Child “Naughty” Is Naughty, Will Scar For Life

Published on October 17th, 2006

Calling a child ‘naughty’ can traumatise them, say experts

Parents should not call their youngsters ‘naughty’ because it damages their self-confidence, a childcare expert controversially claimed.

Annette Mountford, chief executive of the parenting organisation, Family Links, said that children’s self-esteem is run down by such branding, even if they are behaving badly.

Parents must not shout at their youngsters and should only call their behaviour naughty, rather than saying they are naughty themselves.

They should also stop referring to the “naughty step” – a disciplining technique from TV’s Supernanny – in case their child thinks the word refers to them.

When asked whether she had ever shouted at a child, Mrs Mountford, who has two grown-up daughters, said: “Yes, of course I have, I’m human. But golly you feel awful afterwards.

39 users responded in " Calling Your Child “Naughty” Is Naughty, Will Scar For Life "

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# 1 John Urho Kemp said, on October 17th, 2006 at 9:56 am

Ok..enough of this bullshit.

When I was growing up, when I was being a little idiot my dad would pop me (not hard) on the back of the head and told me I was being a little idiot. I changed my behavior. When I did something REALLY bad, I’d get a spanking.

Now I have a kid, whom I’ve never hit…not once. But I swear sometimes you get really frustrated and now you start second-guessing yourself because you don’t want to traumatize or screw the kid up…yet I look back at my childhood and think to myself that every time I got into trouble or my parents yelled at me or my dad called me a brain-damaged moron…I deserved it. At the time I WAS a brain-damaged moron. He didn’t drill it into me, he just said it and we all went on with out lives…knowing that I would eventually screw up again. Either my dad would laugh his ass off and then call me a moron or not, I had a pretty happy childhood.

But now we have “if you say your child is naughty it will scare them for life”. What gives? Who’s right and who’s wrong?

# 2 Mark said, on October 17th, 2006 at 10:07 am

1. Tis true. I went to Catholic school, yup, got the scars to prove it. We had the highest rate of college graduates in the small Southern town (one Catholic school for 250,000 people), that I lived. When the nuns got upset and went beserk, we ALWAYS deserved it. Did it stop us from being “naughty”? Of course not. Quit pampering the little monsters. And quit giving them drugs needlessly. Thats what screws them up.

# 3 Scott said, on October 17th, 2006 at 10:10 am

Uhh… riiiiight…. I seriously doubt calling a kid “naughty” would matter. Unless you did it on a regular bases.

# 4 John said, on October 17th, 2006 at 10:24 am

“But golly, you feel awfull afterwards.”

What an ass. Spare the rod spoil the child.

# 5 Smartalix said, on October 17th, 2006 at 10:33 am

I think a strong line can be drawn between “wimpy” parents and “spare the rod…” punishers. Discipline has more to do with being consistent than with being violent.

# 6 tallwookie said, on October 17th, 2006 at 10:43 am

who the hell actually uses the word “naughty”??!!?!???

jebus

# 7 Ascii King said, on October 17th, 2006 at 11:19 am

Yay! It’s come full circle finally! I remember when we weren’t supposed to say ‘no’ to our kids because it would damage them. No one else remembers that fad when I ask around. Now its here again. I look forward to telling all these people to shut up after I yell ‘no’ at my kid.

There are so many parenting techniques out there each year. Most of them aren’t bad or good. The real trick is what Smartalix pointed out, just be consistent. If you are consistenly an ass to your kid, your kid will be an ass to others. At my house we have fun, but we follow the rules. If you want your kids to grow up like you, raise them how you were raised. If you want them to grow up strange and kooky, raise them strange and kooky.

# 8 Olo Baggins of Bywater said, on October 17th, 2006 at 11:23 am

Somewhere among the “parenting 101″ classes (or maybe among a couple dozen Spock etc books) I took/read 15 years ago, was a distinction that went something like this:

You are being naughty.
You are naughty.

The first inducates that the thing being done is bad. This is OK. The second indicates the kid is bad. This is NOT OK. That’s a fine distinction, but it makes perfect sense.

# 9 bquady said, on October 17th, 2006 at 11:52 am

Hurrah for Olo Baggins! who is the only poster to actually understand the point being made by Annette Mountford.

And is it so fine of a distinction? Only if you are a willful idiot. Here’s a quote from the linked article:

Parents should say: “What you have done is very naughty, I don’t like the way you behaved” but not that ‘you are naughty’. “It’s a very different message and very bad for a child’s self confidence and self esteem,” she said.

Will the first couple of posters like to retract their knee-jerk (and misdirected) disagreements?

# 10 Bryan said, on October 17th, 2006 at 12:09 pm

If I ever have kids — So help me I’m going to have social service at my place real fast, not because of me but because of society.

I have no problem with hitting a kid in the store.

I remembre this one time I mouthed off in the store when I wanted Ken Griffy Jr Baseball for the SNES [yes that long ago] , and my dad gave me a good WHACK. Never again did I do that crap in public

# 11 Mark said, on October 17th, 2006 at 12:13 pm

9. I wasnt talking about a distinction of being told I was naughty or actually being naughty. We were told to bend over a trash can while a nun whacked us with a board on our bare ass. We turned out just fine, not a serial killer in the bunch. (at least as far as I know), I think people are way too sensitive about this crap.

But then maybe I’m a willful idiot.

# 12 Whaapp! said, on October 17th, 2006 at 12:25 pm

First two posters are RIGHT ON.

Who the hell calls their children ‘naughty’ anyway? Who even uses such a word in reference to a child’s behavior?

I raised three children. Had to spank my daughter one time when she was three, it was a token spanking done out of love, not anger. She is 20 now and remembers the incident. She says that what hurt was not the spanking, but the fact that she disappointed me.

All three are free, employed, and doing well, so maybe, just maybe, I did OK as a parent.

Naughty: suggestive of sexual impropriety; “a blue movie”; “blue jokes”; “he skips asterisks and gives you the gamy details”; “a juicy scandal”; “a naughty wink”; “naughty words”; “racy anecdotes”; “a risqué story”; “spicy gossip”

I would never use such a word in reference to a child. The author of the article, which I did read, is obviously in serous need of education and to stop watching stupid ass so called reality television.

# 13 Olo Baggins of Bywater said, on October 17th, 2006 at 12:28 pm

But Mark, do you now have an unnatural aversion to nuns? lol

And Bryan, be careful about that. You’ll quickly find yourself guilty and attempting to prove your innocence by answering their primary question: How long have you been beating your kids? Heck, as a coach I had to tell some teachers that “Matt” did indeed get hit in the eye with a baseball at practice…they were about to accuse the parents of something.

# 14 Olo Baggins of Bywater said, on October 17th, 2006 at 12:33 pm

Whaap, any adjective on this list fits the story:

# 15 Mark said, on October 17th, 2006 at 12:33 pm

13. Yes, but its no worse than my natural aversion to nuns.

# 16 John Paradox said, on October 17th, 2006 at 12:41 pm

You are being naughty.
You are naughty.

The first inducates that the thing being done is bad. This is OK. The second indicates the kid is bad. This is NOT OK. That’s a fine distinction, but it makes perfect sense.

Like the Christian (NOT Xian) cluche to “hate the sin and love the sinner”

J/P=?

# 17 joshua said, on October 17th, 2006 at 12:43 pm

#15…Mark….it could be worse…..you could have an attraction TO Nuns with paddles.

# 18 Mark said, on October 17th, 2006 at 12:47 pm

17. Just glad it wasnt a priest paddling me, now that may have screwed me up.

# 19 OhForTheLoveOf said, on October 17th, 2006 at 1:00 pm

#9 – Will the first couple of posters like to retract their knee-jerk (and misdirected) disagreements?

Comment by bquady — 10/17/2006 @ 11:52 am

They most certainly do not… Expert advice is no substitute for whatever dysfunctional bullshit you learned growing up

By the way, I understood the distinction, I just didn’t care because I think kids are a glorious waste of time. But really, this ain’t child psychology. It’s English grammer, and I say a command of the language is more important than self-esteem any day of the week.

# 20 Angel H. Wong said, on October 17th, 2006 at 2:02 pm

If you have trouble with your children, take them on a “tourist” trip to Honduras, lock yourselves in a room with them and spank them ’till your palms bleed.

# 21 mike said, on October 17th, 2006 at 2:13 pm

Damn this type of crap makes me mad!
If parents actually ‘parented’ their kids there would never be any self esteem issues. Instead they rely on the TV and school to bring up their immoral god forsaken little beasts and then wonder why they turn out to be utter bastards!

# 22 cheapdaddy said, on October 17th, 2006 at 2:45 pm

My goal as a parent is to build my children’s self confidence not their self esteem. I have to mold their character to make socially appropriate choices, not self serving, shortsighted ones. Discipline, even a spanking, is to educate, not punish them. It takes years of consistant application, but the evidence, even the examples in these comments, show the results are promising.

# 23 Mr. Fusion said, on October 17th, 2006 at 4:38 pm

Well, I am totally disagreeing with those that differentiate between:
You are being naughty.
You are naughty.

A small child, probably up to at least six, doesn’t differentiate between the subtle proper English and colloquial. Use either line and the child will automatically associate the admonishment with the act. If they remember the act. Children that age don’t have the language skills to make the distinction. In fact, I also think the word naughty has different connotation in the US then it does in Britain.

So say they are bad all you want when they do something wrong. To them, the act and admonishment are one and the same. Then, when the child does do something right, make sure they receive an equal amount of praise and physical reward. The positive enforcement is much more powerful a motivator then the negative is.

Angel, what you suggest is just plain abuse. There is no humor in abuse. I recall you posting the same reply several times about children. If this gives you pleasure then you are a sick phuk. If you were brought up this way, then seek help, it is never too late.

# 24 0113addiv said, on October 17th, 2006 at 6:23 pm

I never criticize my kid who is going on 5 years old. My role as a father is to TEACH, protect and be available when he needs help or has a question about life. I never tell him no. He is not spoiled. He shares all the time. He’s also been with other kids since he was two so he’s been socializing for three years. This is the most important factor in raising kids. They need their own time with their peers. I’ve hit him on two occasions. One time when he was angry he threw a bottle at my face. I whacked him really hard across his face. Another time in the playground he came over to me to get me to play wiffle ball with me and he tossed the ball in my face. I got really upset with him and scolded him. After not answering when I asked him why he hit me, I took the next measure which was to take the wiffle ball and hit him across the face with it. He wailed for ten seconds after which he finally said “I’m sorry”. Ten more seconds later he stopped crying and said that he was thirsty. I told him that we would get something at the bodega, and he lightened up instantly as if nothing had happened. I remember what a Buddhist monk once told me: if you don’t respect a person, you can’t learn anything from that person. So far I have to say I am doing a great job (actually his mom deserves 80% of the credit). That kid is never unhappy. NEVER. I can’t understand how someone could be joyous from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to bed. Damn it. That kid is 99% happy 99% of the time. And his energy, man, if I could tap that, the world’s energy problems would be resolved.

# 25 Frank IBC said, on October 17th, 2006 at 6:35 pm

tallwookie -

The word “naughty” has dropped out of common usage in the USA. But it’s still used in England, where the article was written.

# 26 grammar police said, on October 17th, 2006 at 7:48 pm

Mr. Fusion… Your posts are very well-thought-out, but the word you’re looking for in almost all of them is “THAN.”

# 27 John Urho Kemp said, on October 18th, 2006 at 2:02 am

0113addiv – I know you’re making up all of your posts here, but I can’t understand why. Are you trying to be humorous? If so, you’re failing badly, or else the comedy is just beyond anyone here.

Also, was your wife one of the women that you tricked into bed with the “levitation” maneuver you spouted in another post? Also, is she 12 or 13 as you said before you would like to date 12 or 13 year olds.

# 28 chris said, on October 18th, 2006 at 3:33 am

What my wife and i did was create a charactor.
Stupid Steve.
So anytime my kids were being bad or what ever i would tell them
“you and steve have a lot in common right now:”
“dont be like steve.”

The idea was to point out to them that they were being a idiot, but not call them that.

Maybe not the best way to do it but our kids responded to it well and my oldest (10) now jokes and says that she has had “steve moments”

# 29 Tom said, on October 18th, 2006 at 4:45 am

This is part of the reason why america has gone the tube in some respects, becuase we are to scared to discipline our children.

# 30 woktiny said, on October 18th, 2006 at 5:37 am

I wonder how many of the people who reacted to this in anger were naughty kids…

# 31 Chris said, on October 18th, 2006 at 5:45 am

True Story – My wife teaches children dance, and a parent withdrew her child becuase she overheard on of the teachers tell the children “Not to be naughty”. The mother stated “We don’t use that kind of language in our house…”

# 32 Tom said, on October 18th, 2006 at 6:46 am

Now that i think of it, maybe it isnt such a good word. Now that i think of the connentations.

# 33 Mr. Fusion said, on October 18th, 2006 at 6:56 am

#26, Mr G.P

Thank you. I appreciate the correction. All my life my spelling was atrocious and grammar just as bad. It has only been since “spell check” that I can create a sentence without mistakes. And, even though my grammar has improved too, as you point out, it still needs improvement.

Thank you again.

# 34 Mr. Fusion said, on October 18th, 2006 at 6:59 am

#31, good point.

It reminds me of a question I heard years ago. What is the difference between a juvenile delinquent and a rambunctious child? It depends upon whether you are the parent.

Every mother thinks their child is really a good kid, just misunderstood. Every neighbor can tell you with certainty that the same kid belongs in juvenile hall.

# 35 Max said, on October 18th, 2006 at 7:06 am

Hmm – My parents never made the distinction. I’m not screwed up. Neither is my sister, or my wife, or … well, you get the picture. I also rode my bike without a helmet. My parents were horrible, weren’t they?

# 36 Steve said, on October 18th, 2006 at 10:14 am

#28 What my wife and i did was create a charactor.
Stupid Steve.
So anytime my kids were being bad or what ever i would tell them
“you and steve have a lot in common right now:”
“dont be like steve.”

HEY… SCREW YOU MAN!

# 37 OhForTheLoveOf said, on October 18th, 2006 at 10:17 am

#31 True Story – My wife teaches children dance, and a parent withdrew her child becuase she overheard on of the teachers tell the children “Not to be naughty”. The mother stated “We don’t use that kind of language in our house…”

Comment by Chris — 10/18/2006 @ 5:45 am

Is there any chance that the language she was refering to was English? That is a delightful story and I hope “foul mouthed” didn’t get any flack over it.

# 38 Frank IBC said, on October 18th, 2006 at 10:22 am

More PC idiocy in the schools:

Some School Districts Ban ‘Tag’

# 39 meetsy said, on October 18th, 2006 at 12:10 pm

Well, lets see…the kids I remember from childhood who’s parents ALWAYS called them “evil” “bad” “naughty” and “would end up in prison”…among other defining terms….all ended up IN JAIL!!! They turned from sweet kids to 7/11 store robbers, bums, drug addicts and cretins. I lost touch with them years ago. The kids who were beaten to within an inch of their lives became wife beaters and/or beaten wives (go figure?!!), totally bum boozers, and/or have since dropped out of society. The kids who’s parents alternated between beatings and talking to’s have done moderately ok. Some have had years of counseling, and a few failed marriages. Most have had major bouts of depression and flirting with drink and drugs. But, overall, they did — a cautionary — “alright”. The kids who’s parents talked to them, reasoned with them, were consistent and tried to listen to them…have all ended up doing well in life. Very well indeed.
The less “baggage” you inflict, the less kids need to overcome later in life. Recovery from childhood takes a lot of time and energy better spent on being an adult, and getting on with one’s life.
As for all the “I was spanked, beaten, yelled at…all the time..and I turned out okay” is denial. Did you REALLY do as well as you could have done if your parents opted for a different route of parenting?
It is EASY to hit kids and call them names. Parenting them takes a little more work.
I dunno…this is after 50 years of study…..I’d say

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