“Sorry, she’s not blonde”

Horny orangutan likes wrong species

A sexually confused orangutan in the Netherlands is frustrating his keepers by refusing to mate with female orangutans – because he is only sexually interested in blonde, tattooed humans.

Apenheul Primate Park hoped the orangutan, named Sibu, would become its breeding male when he arrived two years ago – but it seems orangutans aren’t his type.

‘He chases them, or ignores them, but he doesn’t do what he should do,’ said a spokeswoman for the park.

Instead, Sibu fancies his female keepers, especially blondes. This is fairly common for orangutans, the spokeswoman said, but Sibu has an additional fetish for tattoos.

It’s thought this preference harks back to a heavily tattooed keeper who reared him.

‘Orangutans have special interests in special subjects. Sibu happens to like tattoos,’ she said.

The park hasn’t given up on Sibu, 31. He showed an amorous interest in a female orangutan while previously living in England, and keepers hope he will find love when reunited with her in a new enclosure in Chester.



  1. sam says:

    I know of a nineteenth century book hybridity in the genus homo that documents this phenomenon quite well.

    Paul Broca. On the Phenomenon of Hybridity in the Genus Homo (London: Longman, Green, Longman & Roberts, 1864).

  2. Mister Mustard says:

    >>I want to see peta defend the bestiality rights.

    I don’t think they’re going to defend the right of an orangutan to boink some trailer trash bim with a Panama City license plate. That could be looked on as animal abuse. And who knows what kind of STDs the poor thing would get from fucking a girl with tats? Who knows where that poon has been? Yuck.

  3. Mister Mustard says:

    Btw, how many more times am I going to get this:
    (Hey John C. Dvorak – You might want to consider getting a more reliable host for dvorak dot org slash blog. This kind of shit happens WAAAAAAY too often. Even for an amateur, it’s kind of pathetic. Not to mention for the prodigious prognosticator of all things tech. Are we going to see this scandal on Tech Five anytime soon?)

    —————————————————————–
    Internet Explorer cannot display the webpage

    [Rest or rant deleted because you are using IE instead of Firefox or other ‘real’ browser. Cripes! — ed.]

  4. B. Dog says:

    If that female orangutan in England really loves him, she will dye her hair blond and get some tattoos .

  5. Les says:

    #4 I’ve never had a problem getting to this site.

  6. Les says:

    Ape hand signs “Send Pam Anderson.”

    then “No, wait – I need tetnus shot first.”

    LOL

  7. Mister Mustard says:

    >>#4 I’ve never had a problem getting to this site.

    I have the problem 1-2x/ week. From different computers, using differnet browswers.

    Something with the dvorzhak dot org slash blog host is fucked up.

    HEADS UP, DVORAK DOT ORG SLASH BLOG: You have a problem. As the prodigious prognosticator of all things tech, I’m sure you can rectify it, no?

  8. Uncle Dave says:

    #8: They will probably continue as long as you continue your rants. They are caused by occasional server and hardware problems with the assorted Interwebitube glitch over which Marc, our sysop, has no control. They are fixed as soon as they can be after they happen. Deal with it.

  9. Mister Mustard says:

    >>Occasional server and hardware problems. They are fixed as
    >>they can be after they happen. Deal with it.

    I deal with , Tio Dave. I’m just a little disappointed that dovrak dot org slash blog has SO FUCKING MNAY MORE or these “occasional” server and hardware problems”.

    Seems to me that the Prodigious Prognosticator of All Things Tech could find a server that’s a little more reliable. I mean, Christ on a fucking crutch, how hard is it to find a server to host a web site that doesn’t go down a couple of times a week? Really?

  10. Uncle Dave says:

    10: Hate to tell you but as wealthy as John is, he ain’t Googlerich to have personal server farms, his own fiber networks, etc.

    Another suggestion for you would be to get a life outside of DU so that if the site is down for a few minutes, you have something else to gripe about. Just a thought…

  11. Mr. Fusion says:

    MM,

    Sometimes hardware crap happens. While inconvenient, it is not the end of the world. It doesn’t cost me anything to post here although your situation may differ. In which case, I expect some renumeration for your posts.

    Also, if you used FireFox, you would have known that DU was down without all the cryptic nonsense. Try it. You’ll like it.

  12. Mister Mustard says:

    >>Also, if you used FireFox, you would have known that DU was down
    >>without all the cryptic nonsense. Try it. You’ll like it.

    I use Firefox, Fissile One. I just switched over to IE to see if if would improve things.

    >>Hate to tell you but as wealthy as John is, he ain’t Googlerich to
    >>have personal server farms, his own fiber networks, etc.

    Tio Dave, I pay $35/year for my web site, and, as far as I can tell, it has NEVER given this kind of error message.

    If dvorzhak dot org slash blog can’t afford the same servers that the NYT or the WSJ use, perhaps he could come on over to my $35/year places.

    It works. Unlike the server for dvorzhak dot org slash blog.

    Take a friendly tip.

  13. Uncle Dave says:

    I bet your tiny $35/yr site doesn’t get tens of millions of spam emails, denial of service attacks, hackers by the bit bucket load trying to get in and all the rest of the garbage a highly visible, high traffic site gets either. I wonder how yours would fare with all that?

  14. NappyHeadedHo says:

    I was just in the Cayman Islands and there was a parrot there that only whistled at cute girls. It was damn funny, a couple hundred pounds of cellulite would walk by and that bird wouldn’t say a thing.

  15. Ben Waymark says:

    I think blond tattooed girls are sexy too.

    I reckon most of the servers problems are probably caused by people using IE as their browser. I am not sure why I believe this, I just do. Its a gut feeling really. I reckon John C should try filtering out all requests from IE for a year and see if that fixes the issues. …

  16. Gary Marks says:

    Mister Mustard, I think another problem is that God doesn’t like this site, and takes it down every now and again. The word on the street (paved with gold) is that people on this site are often skeptical of his existence.

    Every time the site goes down is another miracle! 😉

  17. Dauragon88 says:

    “And who knows what kind of STDs the poor thing would get from fucking a girl with tats?”

    My girlfriend has a tat, and last time I checked, she doesn’t have any STD’s. My mother also has a tattoo on her right arm. Your narrow minded (and rather insultingly sexist) remark makes me sick.

    I challenge you to a duel. 😀

  18. Awake says:

    – Mister Mustard –
    Just face it, the server hates you.It see you connecting and it spews bad crappola intentionally.
    Since it works fine for the rest of us, that is the only logical explanation… the server hates you. It’s your fault.

  19. hhopper says:

    Pipe down MM. Don’t get all pissy. It’s worse for us when we’re trying to post stories.

  20. Ben Waymark says:

    #3 Mister Mustard: And who knows what kind of STDs the poor thing would get from fucking a girl with tats?

    I have been reliably informed that the STDs are exactly the same regardless of whether or not the girl has Tats.

    #18 Pedro thank god not many people use safari, otherwise it would be an even bigger problem

    Awww…. I like Safari, especially on Windows…. reminds me of a teenager’s little brother trying to act all grown up…

    #18 The word on the street (paved with gold) is that people on this site are often skeptical of his existence.

    Actually, God thinks you guys all rocks. He has a bit of a soft spot for atheists… especially well thought out ones. He does, however, bring down the site every once and a while because he reckons that you’ll never really be able to choose to visit the site on your own free will if your don’t experience what its like to not be able to visit the site every once and while. Never quite understood what he is on about in that regard, but there you go.

  21. Angel H. Wong says:

    #2

    “I want to see peta defend the bestiality rights.”

    Actually they will say that the poor thing has suffered irreparable damage and should be killed just to save the species.

  22. ECA says:

    I think the server was down for about 6 hours Early this morning…

    On with the comments…

    You got WHAT between your legs???

    Its that a banana, or do you REALLy like me?

  23. John Paradox says:

    Won’t peta listen to the monkey?
    Comment by pedro

    Remember, an Orangutang is an APE, not monkey.
    Readers of the DISCWORLD series knows what can happen (The Librarian) calling them a ‘monkey’.

    J/P=?

  24. Angel H. Wong says:

    #26

    PeTA is famous for thinking that the best “humane” treatmen an animal can have is killing it.

  25. Anonymous Coward says:

    They need to spank that monkey.

  26. 888 says:

    What is the problem, the zoo can’t afford to buy him blondie tattooed hooker once a while or what? I don’t understand.
    They keep poor MALE ape in a cages, they should pay for bitches of *his* choice, obviously. Its not like he is a human male, he is not going to shut up and do what his bitches tell him to do… err, I mean he don’t like unshaved fat ugly oragnutan females, he prefers white trash in blonde – and those are cheap and easy to get by the dozens, so really, what is the problem? Where is PETA?!


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