Hilarious Column on the Secret Sociology of Newspapers

Published on May 18th, 2009

Save the Presses – The Boston Globe — This columnist writes a hilarious essay with a list of things that newspapers are good for, and which will be missed. Excerpt below..

2. You can shed a tear right now for the iconic ransom note, with letters clipped from newspaper headlines. What’s a kidnapper to do? Print out letters at home using different fonts and point sizes?

3. How are concerned neighbors supposed to figure out that the little old lady who lives alone is sick if the papers aren’t piling up on her doorstep? And how will burglars know which houses to target?

13 users responded in " Hilarious Column on the Secret Sociology of Newspapers "

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# 1 Patrick said, on May 18th, 2009 at 10:30 am

#12 Stuff it into those little metal chimneys so that you can ignite coal without using a blowtorch.

# 2 jim said, on May 18th, 2009 at 11:35 am

Good god he’s right. I better start stocking up on newspapers.

# 3 BubbaRay said, on May 18th, 2009 at 11:37 am

#13, What are you going to train the new kitty with? A rolled up kindle? I fear animal cruelty will result.

And Patrick, you have just ruined my grilling days forever.

# 4 hhopper said, on May 18th, 2009 at 12:39 pm

There will be a market for plain newsprint.

# 5 Glenn E. said, on May 18th, 2009 at 1:19 pm

Actually, ransom notes with pasted lettering is way more revealing than hand written or typed letters. One can get finger prints preserved by the paste. And DNA all over the thing. Whereas a printer generated note could be about as trace free as one could possibly keep it. Only morons keep doing it the way Hollywood keeps showing it. And why aren’t they showing kidnappers using computer printers? And why are they still showing the police taking minutes to trace a phone call, when it really happens instantly now? But those DNA tests they show on Tv shows, only take a few minutes, instead of the days they really take. Apparently Tv and movies are in the propaganda biz, for the government. That’s why they still show polygraphs as fail proof lie detectors. NOT even close! Where’s the Mythbusters show on polygraphs? It will never happen because it’s a protected commercial product. AKA, a huge money making fraud.

# 6 Glenn E. said, on May 18th, 2009 at 1:25 pm

We haven’t gotten our large local paper delivered in years. Too much paper to keep recycling. And it stacks up around the house, during the two weeks until the next pick up.

But we still have plenty of newsprint from the three local papers who dump them on our lawn, without even subscribing to any of them. And there’s the grocery store adverts that come in the mail. Reminding us what’s on sale that week. Though I could easily look it up on their website. As long as advertising is involved, there will be some form of newsprint delivery. Just not as much real news in it.

# 7 Glenn E. said, on May 18th, 2009 at 1:40 pm

If they ever revive a Sherlock Holmes character, living in the mid-21th century, on Tv (it was tried before two decades ago). He’ll have to adjust some of his methods, which relied on newspapers as clues, and posting classifieds. Can you imagine Watson reading Craigslist or scanning eBay?

As for what to let your pet to do its “business” on. What about all that junk mail that still comes in? Use the Publisher House or Readers Digest contest letters as bird cage liners. Or better yet. Any letters all those Congressmen and Senators sent you, free to them, but costing the taxpayers! Expensive pet pooping paper, to be sure. But that’s government waste for you. At least it will serve a useful purpose cleaning up other waste.

# 8 chris said, on May 18th, 2009 at 1:53 pm

What will we use to:

1. lining bird cages
2. packing kitchen bowls when moving
3. folded hat\boat
4. starting the fireplace. #1 already got bbq starting
5. paper mache projects
6. signal to bar patrons you don’t want to chat
7. screen to block sight of aging significant other

But seriously, anyone think that the recent actions by states attorneys against craigslist is an effort to raise their costs so that they won’t undercut newspaper classifieds or their online for profit equivalents? I do.

Since when have attacked call girls made the national news?

# 9 Billy Bob said, on May 18th, 2009 at 2:18 pm

What will the British use to wrap fish?

# 10 Floyd said, on May 18th, 2009 at 3:30 pm

#9: Not to mention how will the British wrap fish and chips “to go,” as it’s traditionally wrapped in newspaper.

# 11 brendal said, on May 19th, 2009 at 1:28 pm

I guess I will have to start running my hands over dirty cars to get those blackened fingertips now…sigh.

# 12 Glenn E. said, on May 19th, 2009 at 9:50 pm

What will Rupert Murdock display “Page 3 Girls” on, if there are no more newspapers (UK rags)?

# 13 Comacho For President said, on May 20th, 2009 at 7:11 am

Billy Bob said,
on May 18th, 2009 at 2:18 pm

What will the British use to wrap fish?

]

You stole that from Art Buchwald.

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