A cowboy named Mark was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?”
Mark looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, Why not?”
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany . Within seconds, he receives an email on his iPhone that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his iPhone and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”
“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Mark.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Mark says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”
“You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Mark.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter you are than I am; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ….
Now give me back my dog.
In the world of telling jokes this comes pretty close to a shaggy dog story. (groan)
Found by Mike Westerfield.
This one was first forward/forward/forward/forward/forwarded to me early last year …
#17, if I recall correctly the phrase beginning the Constitution is not “I, the person” …
First time I heard an abbreviated version of this, years ago, it was a ‘dumb blonde’ joke.
Next time I heard it, about in this form (also years ago) it was a ‘dumb Microsoft engineer’ joke.
Well- recycling is a good thing.
#17,
So Im guessing that you take care of your own needs? You grown your own food, fetch your own water….You probably even built your own house.
Probably not…..You live in a society, where people specialize in tasks and use that specialization to more efficiently take care of the needs of others, and in turn have others take care of some of their needs. Some of your needs are shared by most people. An organization, called the government, provides these needs for the population, and in turn collects taxes to pay for these needs.
Do you not think that you should be paying the government to take care of those needs for you? If not, then surely you dont think that you should have to pay the grocer to provide you with food, or the builders to construct your residence.
# 23 MrMiGu said ” Some of your needs are shared by most people. An organization, called the government, provides these needs for the population, and in turn collects taxes to pay for these needs.”
You are correct! But it becomes a problem when fewer contribute than receive.
#23
Yes he does take care of those needs himself (probably). He likely earns money at a job then he buys the thngs through voluntary transactions in the market or he asks family, and friends or his local community and charitable organizations for help if he can’t make ends meet.
Government shouldn’t be providing 90% of what it’s currently providing and wants to provide. Government should NEVER be involved in “charity”,Government is inherently the anti-thesis to what charity is all about. I believe that the government is largely to blame for the degrading charitable spirit that used to be so abundant in this country.
#17, Derick,
Because that’s not their freaking job. If you cant take care of your own needs, then you are a loser. Aside from those with physical and mental defects, you have absolutely no excuse not to be able to take care of your own needs. Jesus, America is filled with some seriously lazy people.
Seriously lazy? So as my father lay dieing in his bed, unable to care for himself, he was a loser? He worked to provide the infrastructure you take for granted. He went overseas and fought your buddy Hitler. His taxes paid for the building of the Interstate Highways System. His work later became part of what is today the “Internet”. He fathered, educated, and guided 10 children to continue making this a great country. And you call him a loser?
Geeze, you have to be a Republican. You have no respect for veterans. You only want what is favorable to you and eff your neighbor. You ignore the wishes of society in general and what we voted for in the last election. And you have the nerve to call my father a loser.
I am trying not to repeat the excellent reply in #23, by Mr. Migu. I will say that YOU are an effen loser who never had anything and somehow think that if you suck enough rectum you might get some.
#26
Why the hell aren’t his ungrateful children helping him out?
@Fusion
You are, in fact, right that health care should be provided. And you already know this …
But like building a bridge to cross a huge river, it has to be done right.
Do you believe the federal government as wasteful, isolated and inefficient and careless with money is a good way of obtaining the objective?
Here is a “holy shit!” number for you:
“In 2008, the average wage for 1.9 million federal civilian workers was $79197″
That’s flat-out absurd!
… and the average wage of the bankers on Wall Street was over $500,000.
That’s is flat-out capitalism!
#29
I’m not sure if you serious or not…but…
Bankers don’t operate in a free market. They operate in a heavily regulated and controlled SYSTEM. The banking system that we have now would not exist if it weren’t for the government. Therefore, capitalism cannot be blamed. It is entirely the fault of government that bankers have had massive paychecks because the system they work with is rigged in their favor because competition from different types of banking are illegal. Also, banks are given countless special privileges in the market place, if any random Joe tried to do what they do, then he’d go to jail.
Go try to start your own fractional reserve bank without their approval…I dare you.
#30
But who was in charge of the government? former Wall Street bankers, i.e. Henry Paulson.
Who put these foxes in charge of the hen house? Of course the government bashing “any regulation is a bad regulation”, “government is inherently bad” republicans, elected by support by those farmers.
#31
Yes, the government fucked up.
Yes, the wallstreet clowns in charge of the government fucked up.
Yes, people are ignorant for voting for these clowns.
I fail to see how this is an indictment of capitalism.
It’s also important to note that democrats have arguably been just as bad if not worse than republicans.
The supposed “free market capitalism” we have is not to blame. Government is. This is not a partisan issue.
Whenever anyone in government has “deregulated” or “reformed” they’ve done it in name only. The regulations and reforms that have been put in place benefit those who it’s supposed to control.
THOSE that are smart enough to Stay out of politics, are ruled by those that WANT THE JOB, the idiots..
#26 – Seriously lazy? So as my father lay dieing in his bed, unable to care for himself, he was a loser?
You obviously have no reading comprehension. I said “Aside from those with physical and mental defects”. I think your father, who lay dying in his bed, has a physical defect. Nice try genius. Oh, and he should have been saving up to prepare for the worst. You don’t invest and save to buy the Mercedes now, you invest and save to buy the treatments and care later.
#26 – Geeze, you have to be a Republican.
Nice try. I’m ACTUALLY conservative. I’m libertarian. I believe that the government should be teeny tiny and only operate to protect, serve, and inform, not to micromanage and provide. I am not responsible for YOUR HEALTH! You hear me? YOUR HEALTH! Lazy greedy bastard.
#26 – You have no respect for veterans. You only want what is favorable to you and eff your neighbor.
I’ve donated over $15,000 to NMFA and over $5000 to Action against Hunger. My entire family is involved in the military. How the hell do you make these huge generalities about people you don’t know? I know how, because you are a greedy bigot who cares about nothing but your own needs.
#26 – I will say that YOU are an effen loser who never had anything and somehow think that if you suck enough rectum you might get some.
Does the socialist party provide you anal lube before or do you like is rough, because at this point, you’ve ceased to be a catcher and are basically a puppet at this point.
#30, DA
Your reading comprehension is sorely lacking.
#17 claimed that my father was responsible for carrying out his own actions. If someone couldn’t carry out their own actions then they were lazy. If you agree with #17 then you are greedier than I initially thought. And that is the problem with Liebertarians. They all want everyone to follow their example, except for when it comes to them.
Take Liberty Loser as an example. Always talking the same as you; personal responsibility, government wastes money, government intrusion into our lives, etc. So what does this guy claim he does for a living? He runs a business servicing local governments, at which he makes a lot of money.
Now for some reason he thinks he can run a service sector better than can the local governments even though he claims his employees are very well paid and he makes 50% ROE. If governments are wasting money it is only because of people like him. yet he fails to notice the hypocrisy.
Now lets turn to you. Banks are regulated because we, the people want them to be. When they were unregulated they stole from their clients. They absconded with phony deeds. They printed their own money that was worthless. And they didn’t create wealth.
Banks and banking today must account for their actions. Their loans and assets are open to inspection. Stressed banks may loan to and borrow from the central bank. They create wealth that merchants, farmers, forestry, industries, transportation, and others may borrow from in order to increase wealth.
If we were to return to the strict banking of 200 years ago, America’s wealth would be a fraction of what it is today. Credit modern banking and central banks for that wealth creation. Thank the Bank of England in particular for leading the way.
@31
The idea of “free market capitalism” is just that, an idea. No bank, in fact no company operates in a pure free market, and certainly not the farmers who are heavily protected by tariffs and subsidies. Even Alan Greenspan alluded to government’s involvement in the markets in an interview with Jon Stewart. All markets have some form of government regulation. However, the fact that there is regulation is neither good nor bad. It is what is in the regulations that matters and how those regulations are managed an enforced.
The regulations and oversight of Wall Street, through changes in the laws and reduction in funding and accountability of the regulatory agencies have in the last 28 years, and especially in the last 8 years, been dramatically reduced or altered to allow much more riskier and irresponsible behavior than in the 40’s, 50’s, or 60’s. The obscene compensation level of bank employees is merely a reflection of these changes.
The economic problem is not with the style of capitalism as is practiced in Sweden or Canada. It is with the free market style of American capitalism as promoted by ideologically driven organizations such as American Enterprise Institute and by regulations enacted by successive government from both political parties, but especially liaise-faire republicans. For several decades they have promoted a market system and regulatory frame work driven by short term personal profits over long term stability.
The most stable markets in the world are some of the most heavily regulated by countries such as Canada, Sweden, and Australia. There was no banking crisis in Canada last year. Why? Because regulations are in place and enforced to minimize risky and irresponsible practices and cultures in the banks; hence, bonus are a fraction in Toronto of what they are in New York.
So yes the style of capitalism in American is very much to blame along with the business leaders, elected officials and regulators. But these problems are a direct result of the attitudes and desires of the American people who have supported these leaders. The American government is a reflection of the Americans who elected them. Blame the government, blame yourself.
#35 – #17 claimed that my father was responsible for carrying out his own actions.
Yay! You still cant read! Hooray for pubic education!
#35 Mr. Fusion,
“Your reading comprehension is sorely lacking.”
No, my reading comprehension is fine, it’s your critical thinking skills that are severely lacking. I love personal attacks, it’s what makes the world go round’!
“#17 claimed that my father was responsible for carrying out his own actions. If someone couldn’t carry out their own actions then they were lazy. If you agree with #17 then you are greedier than I initially thought. And that is the problem with Liebertarians. They all want everyone to follow their example, except for when it comes to them.”
No, I don’t blame anyone who tried in life, especially those who did their best and were relying on their social security to come through for them…I sympathize with anyone who has tried, it’s not their fault the government has robbed them of their prosperity. The people who trusted and depend on government are the people who get hurt the most. If they did their best, you can’t rightly call them lazy, stop putting words in my mouth. I am not the fucking Grinch who stole prosperity.
I take issue with the conclusions you make. It’s truly unfortunate that your dad worked hard his whole life and has nothing to show for it. It’s absolutely not everyones responsibility to help him out, to say that it is everyones responsibility implies that he has a right to everyone else’s labor. You stated that you have 9 other siblings, yet you appear to believe everyone else should be responsible for your fathers well-being…You’d resign your fathers care to the government and society so that you wouldn’t have to support him? If thats true then you have no right to call me greedy. By definition, that makes YOU the greedy self-centered asshole. Help your father out, he raised you, stop being so god damn ungrateful.
Stop pretending you have the moral high ground. You don’t. If someone can’t make ends meet he should expect help from family and friends, if that fails local communities or churches, if that fails seek out charity from your fellow man, as a last resort, if everyone in the world is really that god damn self-centered then and only then should you ask local/state governments for assistance. The federal government should NEVER be involved in providing for peoples needs not only because it isn’t moral but because it isn’t economically sane.
“Take Liberty Loser as an example. Always talking the same as you; personal responsibility, government wastes money, government intrusion into our lives, etc. So what does this guy claim he does for a living? He runs a business servicing local governments, at which he makes a lot of money.”
You want to solve this problem? Then allow competition by removing governments monopoly on whatever service he’s providing for them. Unless you somehow believe that making a lot of money is inherently immoral, in which case you’re a lost cause and I won’t bother responding to you anymore.
“Now for some reason he thinks he can run a service sector better than can the local governments even though he claims his employees are very well paid and he makes 50% ROE. If governments are wasting money it is only because of people like him. yet he fails to notice the hypocrisy.”
He’s probably right, it’s not hard to run most things better than the government…the government fails on so many levels. Democrats and most republicans claim to be against monopolies…yet you appear to support government monopolies…I don’t get it.
If libertylover shouldn’t be providing a service the government doesn’t provide then who will? Someone else? Maybe the government should provide that service…following that chain of thought to it’s final conclusion results in totalitarianism and slavery.
“Now lets turn to you. Banks are regulated because we, the people want them to be. When they were unregulated they stole from their clients. They absconded with phony deeds. They printed their own money that was worthless. And they didn’t create wealth.”
If banks stole from their clients they should have been thrown in jail. If they weren’t thrown in jail then the government once again FAILED MISERABLY. Fraud is illegal and should never be allowed. Ever. No one is above the law.
Also, you’re right banks did commit fraud, yet they were never held accountable…no wonder the banking industry is so corrupt.
“Banks and banking today must account for their actions.”
Is that a joke? Banks are NOT accountable for their actions, where have you been?
“Their loans and assets are open to inspection.”
The federal reserve, our central bank, the bank charge with running monetary policy and centrally planning the banking industry is NOT open to inspection…The federal reserve is more secretive than the CIA…
“Stressed banks may loan to and borrow from the central bank. They create wealth that merchants, farmers, forestry, industries, transportation, and others may borrow from in order to increase wealth.”
Ok? Thanks for stating the obvious?
“If we were to return to the strict banking of 200 years ago, America’s wealth would be a fraction of what it is today. Credit modern banking and central banks for that wealth creation. Thank the Bank of England in particular for leading the way.”
No, Americas wealth would be much higher. You can’t create wealth with a money printing machine, you can only create the illusion of wealth creation. That illusion is one of the factors that drive these absurd boom and bust cycles. If we really could create wealth by simply printing money then why don’t we just give everyone an unlimited credit line that never has to be paid back?
#36 JJ smithe,
“The idea of “free market capitalism” is just that, an idea.”
You do realize that everything that you’ve ever thought about and said is “just an idea” right? This statement is in the same ridiculous ballpark as bobbos statement about the market being just a “theoretical construct”.
“No bank, in fact no company operates in a pure free market, and certainly not the farmers who are heavily protected by tariffs and subsidies. Even Alan Greenspan alluded to government’s involvement in the markets in an interview with Jon Stewart. All markets have some form of government regulation.”
I agree 100%, Greenspan also mentioned in that same interview that we wouldn’t need a central bank if we had a gold standard. Interesting.
“However, the fact that there is regulation is neither good nor bad. It is what is in the regulations that matters and how those regulations are managed an enforced.”
I disagree completely. Government regulation of the market is almost always bad.
“The regulations and oversight of Wall Street, through changes in the laws and reduction in funding and accountability of the regulatory agencies have in the last 28 years, and especially in the last 8 years, been dramatically reduced or altered to allow much more riskier and irresponsible behavior than in the 40’s, 50’s, or 60’s. The obscene compensation level of bank employees is merely a reflection of these changes.”
I almost completely agree with you again…except maybe instead of forcing the banking industry to provide to the consumer a certain way, maybe we should allow some competition and market regulation…because what the government has been doing is obviously a massive failure. Allow competition and our current banking industry would disintegrate in a few years, and other more responsible banks would take their place because thats what consumers would demand. The market can also police itself, private rating agencies would stake their reputation on the soundness of various banks. It’s called market regulation….it works…but only when government doesn’t protect people who commit fraud.
“The economic problem is not with the style of capitalism as is practiced in Sweden or Canada. It is with the free market style of American capitalism as promoted by ideologically driven organizations such as American Enterprise Institute and by regulations enacted by successive government from both political parties, but especially liaise-faire republicans. For several decades they have promoted a market system and regulatory frame work driven by short term personal profits over long term stability.”
Republicans that are elected don’t follow the ideals that got them elected. Also, I don’t know much about AEI but if they have been the architect thats been influencing what going on in this government then I have to say, AEI has nothing to do laissez-faire capitalism. For the one billionth time….WE DO NOT HAVE LAISSEZ FAIRE CAPITLISM and we only have one truly laissez faire republican, Ron Paul. It’s no surprise to me that he was the only person in congress who saw these economic problems coming. He predicted we’d have these problems way back in 2003.
“The most stable markets in the world are some of the most heavily regulated by countries such as Canada, Sweden, and Australia. There was no banking crisis in Canada last year. Why? Because regulations are in place and enforced to minimize risky and irresponsible practices and cultures in the banks; hence, bonus are a fraction in Toronto of what they are in New York.”
I guess if you want to enforce mediocrity…I can’t speak in depth about what the banking system is like in Canada or Sweden, but if your knowledge of their banking industries resembles your knowledge of banking in the united states, then I’d find it very hard to take these points seriously. Maybe you live in Canada and happen to be the CEO of a bank…I don’t know…do tell.
“So yes the style of capitalism in American is very much to blame along with the business leaders, elected officials and regulators. But these problems are a direct result of the attitudes and desires of the American people who have supported these leaders. The American government is a reflection of the Americans who elected them. Blame the government, blame yourself.”
There is a huge disconnect between what politicians do and what they are elected to do. Most people, up until now haven’t paid enough attention to realize this. I will blame the government, I will not blame myself. I voted for Ron Paul for president, and I voted against my republican congressman. I am not to blame for this shit storm.
Note: I would have made these posts shorter and only responded to a couple points, but I get sick of hearing “you ignored this or that, you suck at reading blah blah blah”. That’s such a huge cop-out.
#38, DA,
I won’t read your whole book. Or even the entire chapter you just gave us.
I take issue with the conclusions you make. It’s truly unfortunate that your dad worked hard his whole life and has nothing to show for it. It’s absolutely not everyones responsibility to help him out, to say that it is everyones responsibility implies that he has a right to everyone else’s labor. You stated that you have 9 other siblings, yet you appear to believe everyone else should be responsible for your fathers well-being…You’d resign your fathers care to the government and society so that you wouldn’t have to support him? If thats true then you have no right to call me greedy. By definition, that makes YOU the greedy self-centered asshole. Help your father out, he raised you, stop being so god damn ungrateful.
First, who said my father had nothing to show for his life? He has much more than you. He has a family that loved him. He, and my mother, are about 500 miles from where I live.
He lay for a few months as the cancer ate him. Incapable of caring for his own needs. He died wealthy, but he had to pay someone to wipe his ass. Yet, by your standards you think he is lazy.
After a lifetime of giving to his country, you want the country to forget him. You don’t want to acknowledge his contributions. Yet I have no hesitation in stating YOU use those contributions (and from many many others) with no second thought.
Maybe he personally didn’t build the road you use to get to the welfare office. But his (their) contributions helped create the wealth that allowed the country to build that road. His service helped protect America from the evil that befell us in WWII. His brother is somewhere around Normandy, there never did find his body.
Then you come on here suggesting anyone like my father should look after themselves? He should either wipe his own ass or lay in it? Those that relive the horrors of what they had to do to keep this country safe from Hitler can’t count on the country to help them even though they put their life on the line. That includes you asshole.
Like I said, you are just some selfish asshole that doesn’t know the world. Someone who hasn’t had to make it in the real world. Mommy still cooks and washes your undies.