WASHINGTONIn what government officials are calling a stirring testament to the leadership and foresight of late U.S. president Ronald Reagan, nearly $20 trillion in low denomination bills were discovered this week buried in the White House Rose Garden.

Sealed in hundreds of old mason jars, crumpled shoe boxes, socks, metal tins, and oven mitts, the financial windfall is believed to have been stashed away by Regan, then 76, during his second term.

“Our economic worries are no more,” announced a jubilant Barack Obama, who claimed that the remarkable find would sustain the struggling nation for the next two decades. “Not only did President Reagan manage to anticipate a crippling recession 20 years ahead of time, but it appears he left behind all of the resources we would need to overcome it.”

Found by Misanthropic Scott.




  1. Ah_Yea says:

    “remarkable find would sustain the struggling nation for the next two decades.”

    HAR!! Not at the way we’re spending it!

    Two months, more like.

  2. MasonReese says:

    So funny i forgot to laugh. I hope these losers that dvorak hires are not getting paid for this.

  3. Fredrick James Thomas Johnathan Alexander Haakon Joakim Rex says:

    Image if that were true, how would that affect the inflation in America?

  4. Awake says:

    The story is just plain retarded.

  5. SparkyOne says:

    Oh crap! It has earmarks written on each bill.

  6. FRAGaLOT says:

    No wonder Regan grew such a large deficit back then, but wasn’t his a lot smaller that 20 trillion back in the 80s?

  7. bobbo, the persecuted eugenicist says:

    #2–Fred==hah, hah. Yes, well done.

  8. fordprefect says:

    Nice picture. Reagan was the first true figurehead president and puppet for the banks.
    By the late 70’s, they must have realized Carter looked stupid with no visible control of anything so each subsequent president has been given a pen to sign the cheques and something to say.

  9. cjohnson says:

    …Congressional leaders did not waste anytime in appropriations and earmarks that ended up overspending this windfall by 28.9 trillion dollars…

  10. Zybch says:

    #3 like people who can’ spot a joke if it was strapped to a dead fish and slapped across their face?

  11. badtimes says:

    Gotta love The Onion!

  12. qb says:

    I’ll take Zybch for the win!

  13. jbenson2 says:

    And of course the wacko libs think this is a laugh riot.

  14. Uncle Don says:

    Socks?

    I thought at first that meant a certain Clinton pet …

  15. springfield_tom says:

    With a quick off-the-cuff guesstimate I get 400 square miles of mason jars, single layered. Thats estimating $500 per jar and 4 jars per square foot: 40 billion jars / 4 / (5000 * 5000) = 400 sq mi.

    Quite a large Rose Garden!

  16. hhopper says:

    It’s a DEEP rose garden.

  17. Penguintopia says:

    What a waste of electrons. Not even CLOSE to funny.

  18. Wretched Gnu says:

    Is this a satiric comment on the billions Reagan dumped into the Pentagon black hole (which can account for maybe 70% of that cash), thereby introducing the massive debt that Republicans are only now suddenly worried about…?

  19. noname says:

    # 19 Wretched Gnu, WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!

    Republicans aren’t worried about the debt, after all they mostly created it.

    Republicans are worried only about who they can blame.

    For them, it’s nothing more then being able to get elected and enjoying those perks.

    The American public be damned!!

  20. canucklehead says:

    wasn’t most of the Republican debt paid to themselves (or close relatives)?

    you know, like, “Let’s declare war on Iraq — that should quadruple the Haliburton stock price”

    lo, and they laughed all the way to the (offshore) bank.

  21. pfkad says:

    #14, jbenson2: Well, amusing, anyway.

  22. m.c. in l.v. says:

    #14 jbenson2 is just mad because he/she/it got all excited and tingly at the notion of saint ronnie riding in to save the day. Now he/she/it is going to have to commit a sin to relieve the discomfort.

    Alfie is probably still wiping off his monitor and mopping up the keyboard. There will be scripture-laced hell to pay once he gets his wits about him and cleans up the mess.

    Punked by The Onion. Poor ‘tards.

  23. Loupe Garou says:

    “Republicans aren’t woried about the debt, after all they mostly created it.”

    Democrats are thoughtfully looking for intelligent solutions.

    “Republicans are worried only about who they can blame.”

    Democrats blame no one they just shoulder the load.

    “For them, it’s nothing more then being able to get elected and enjoying those perks.”

    Even in the unlikely chance they were not reelected Democrats would continue to selflessly serve.

    The American public be damned!!

    Champions of the working man. Just folks.

    Dream on.

  24. TooManyPuppies says:

    Nice to see that this site brings out so many brain dead retards that take an Onion article so seriously.

  25. noname says:

    # 24 Loupe Garou

    touché mon frère

  26. soundwash says:

    lol, too funny.

    i would think the landscapers would have thought they had a serious gopher problem by the time reagan buried a mere 1 million, let alone 20trillion in small bills..

    and yeah, if this news had gone mainstream, there would have been HUGE sell off and exodus out of our markets..

  27. deowll says:

    Reagan thought that if he cut spending in the end the economy would bounce back and make up for what he did.

    The Democrats said he was crazy.

    However in the end it did though I think he was out of office before the full pay off came through but not worry.

    The Democrats had us heading back into negative numbers in no time.

    I think some of them honestly think the deeper you are in dept the richer you are.

  28. Bob says:

    Geez! It’s not even CLOSE to April.


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