Terrorists!!!

I want to know what the signs are you aren’t a terrorist so I can exclude the handful of people who, by these documents, don’t ever do these things.

The document (PDF), entitled Terrorism Awareness and Prevention, is presented as a guide for both “residents and workers of New Jersey,” along with employees of federal, state and local agencies, on how to “assist in combating terrorism” by identifying “unusual or suspicious activities and behaviors.”
[...]
The document then lists examples of suspicious behavior indicative of terrorism, which include, “Exaggerated yawning when engaged in conversation,” “glances,” “cold penetrating stare,” “rigid posture,” and “goose bumps”.

Of course, any of these behaviors could be explained by a million other circumstances and the likelihood that they are indications of terrorist activity is virtually zero. However, as we have seen from recent literature put out by the DHS or related law enforcement bodies, the standard for being characterized as a potential terrorist is getting broader and broader all the time.



  1. Dallas says:

    Like to report Patrick Cox of TaxMasters for rigid posture and overall creepiness. He must be dealt with harshly to protect the children.

  2. Oh shit… I am in trouble – LOL

  3. UncDon says:

    Why New Jersey?

  4. Glenn E. says:

    You wouldn’t think that “yawning” would be indicative of any terrorists. Wouldn’t they soon train themselves not to, if it was part of some watch list? I often do it just to show I’m truly a bored American. And most US citizen probably yawn because we haven’t got enough sleep, staying up so late Googling on our laptops and iPads. Watching all our BlueRay DVDs and Streaming media. Do you think terrorists can afford that crap? No. So they get lots of sleep, before planning to blow themselves up. But I guess the DHS strategists believe such terrorists stay up all day and night, praying they’ll get their 90 virgins after they’ve exploded. So naturally, they’ll yawn a lot! Or fake yawning, just like everyone else, to be sure to look normal. Great disguise, huh?

    And wouldn’t most people confuse “excessive yawning” with “exaggerated yawning”? I know I probably would. Forget facial recognition software. Design exaggerated yawn recognition software. There must be a quantifiable limit, to which excessive become exaggerated. Either it’s too long, or too often, or both.

    But really, isn’t this just compounding the fallacies of the those polygraph devices? That instead of using a metal suitcase full of wires and ink pens, to determine someone’s alleged untruthfulness. They’re shifting the ambiguity to untrained people’s eyes. So all the wannabe Dick Tracys can feel good taking down some terrorist, they think they’ve seen? Thus making Big Brother all of us, rather that keeping it a “them”.

    The problem is, won’t extreme, 24 hour a day, anti-terrorism end up being just about as bad as, once in a blue moon, real terrorism? That’s what all this airport security is now. Imagine if it were apply everywhere. Civilization would grind to a slow crawl. Something like in third world countries run by warlord.

    • Jess Hurchist says:

      “The problem is, won’t extreme, 24 hour a day, anti-terrorism end up being just about as bad as, once in a blue moon, real terrorism?”
      I’ve long suspected that is the terrorist strategy, it costs just as much to deal with imaginary plots as the real thing.
      I’ve heard it said that the Soviet Union imploded due to the cost of trying to keep up with US military spending – that is spending the same as the USA when the money wasn’t there.
      It looks as if the USA is trying to outspend the terrorist threat but the terrorists don’t actually have to do anything except let semi plausible plots escape to the wild once in a while, total spend a few hours work. Countering the imaginary threat costs millions or billions, quite apart from the giving up of long established freedoms.
      A depressing thought to me at least.

      • jasontheodd says:

        The soviet leadership knew it was going to collapse but the people gaining power and luxury from all that military spending were more influential than the soviet communist party. If you like, their military industrial complex, but I also like to include services and not just manufacturing in that statement. Now we are in the same position, since we gave away nearly all of out other industry, our leaders must keep towing the line or they simply cant get the money to get elected. think of it as the M.I.C. holding your left one, while the big banks are squeezing the right one. Welcome to modern America….Yawn.

        • I agree with Jebus Huchrist.

          Jason, only you could yawn while someone is squeezing your lefty and righty.

          • jasontheodd says:

            I’m a frequent flyer, you get used to it…the back-scatter x-ray scanners have probably sterilized me by now anyway.

  5. AdmFubar says:

    also to be added to that list, are they currently running for office? and do they fund candidates for office? those are two other indications of being a terrorist…

  6. AdmFubar says:

    imagines this list as being read by Jeff Foxworthy,
    ” You might be a terrorist….”

  7. sargasso_c says:

    Physical and psychological indicators of stress and anxiety. Strangely enough, this might work. Unless the terrorist is a full psychopath.

    • deowll says:

      Of course if you are parent and you don’t want some bleep grouping your kid you may act the same way. A lot of people fear flying. The list goes on and on.

  8. Skeptic says:

    The document in question gave me goosebumps until I read it, and then I couldn’t stop yawning.

  9. deowll says:

    The problem is that anyone could go nuts and try to hurt others.

    The most likely candidates are religious and political types. Any time the economy tanks you tend to get increased civic unrest and possible revolution.

    • Fluffy Rabbit says:

      “The most likely candidates are religious and political types.”

      Don’t give DHS any ideas. They may want to imprison all church goers and voters along with the yawners, thinking that this will make us safe from terrorists.

  10. Dallas says:

    URGENT!!
    I’d like to report very concerning Cold Penetrating Stares in this video and a flag desecration at 2:42

    http://youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=B2emBxDOY7g

  11. Publius says:

    Public policy like this only exists to give public officials the widest possible latitude in choosing who to attack. “Official discretion”

    It’s what bad government wanted all along really: NO CHAINS