original

Come on in, the water’s fine!!

The above pictured sea beast was reportedly pulled from the Raritan River in New Jersey river sometime two summers ago by a Doug Cutler who, as luck would have it, was fishing with a bow and arrow at the time. Cutler spotted the creature, captured it, and a friend posted the above photo to Reddit last week, where it’s been viewed over a million times since.

But what is it? According to Outdoor Magazine, it’s probably something called a sea lamprey, a type of parasite regularly found in the northern Atlantic region. The lamprey uses its terrifying, alien-like teeth to latch onto its prey before injecting it with digestive fluids that eat away at and kill the fish (or, innocent swimmer). Only one out of seven fish/humans survive the attack. Lampreys are apparently becoming increasingly common in fresh water areas, like the Great Lakes and rivers in New Jersey. Of course, experts aren’t entirely certain it’s a sea lamprey and not something more obscure or horrifying. “The photo doesn’t allow counting of gill openings (seven per side for sea lampreys), but based on size alone, this does appear to be a sea lamprey,”

Last one in the water is a rotten……..Holy sh*t!!!!

Posted specifically to haunt bobbo’s dreams.



  1. RR1 says:

    Kind of reminds me of my ex during the divorce.

  2. coy mathis says:

    Thats what my ‘junk’ looked like after visiting three mile island.

  3. super77 says:

    Oh, give daddy a little kiss.

  4. Randy Ayn says:

    chimichungas taste good

  5. jim g says:

    It’s a penisaurus!

  6. spsffan says:

    Excuse me, but, fishing with a bow and arrow? It’s not even Florida for Pete’s sake!

    Still, that thing does look like it came out of a particularly nasty VD scare film.

  7. deowll says:

    You may be eating this when you buy sushi.

  8. DJ says:

    Last week, huh? Guess how many leaves are on the trees in NJ in February? Clearly fake.

    [That was fixed in the article to 2 summers ago, but nice catch anyway - ed.]

  9. Byte Me! says:

    Is anyone sure this isn’t just another Plum Island mutation?

    You conspiracy theorists surely know about Plum Island don’t you?

    FYI: Plum Island is that infamous Area-51 like animal research facility on the north end of Long Island, New York! (And guess who borders New York?!)

    I don’t know about anyone else, but swimming anywhere along the northeast cost seems a bit too much like swimming in a cesspool of rotting bio mess. And seeing this reminds me of a scene right out of Slumdog Millionaire! (You know the one.)

    I’m not sure I’d even want to eat seafood from nearby waters either. In fact, I’m not sure this thing isn’t some sort of farmed animal which was developed, thanks to Plum Island most likely, and isn’t already on a few sushi menus! I mean, come on! Fishing with a bow and arrow?

    Of course, New Jersey may want you to think the smell is from oil refineries and other industrial activity. But take a look around at just how many water treatment plants there are and then don’t forget about a recent hurricane. That thing may have only recently escaped and may be nothing more than a BABY! The only question I would have is from where?!!!

  10. ± says:

    Besides DJ pointing out the green trees in February, study the sun angle as determined by the lighting in the creatures mouth. Part of the hand or at least the shaft of the ‘arrow’ should be shadowed too.

  11. So what says:

    As the lamprey have been observed in the great lakes since the early 1800′s and may actually be native I think it’s ok to ignore this one.

    PS Old fisherman’s trick hold the fish as close to the camera as you can to add apparent size.

  12. Admfubar says:

    :P and people laugh at the cuyahoga burning… :)) i laugh at this… at least we cleaned up out waters..

  13. bobbo, with the panache of Steve Zissou says:

    While not a marine biology expert, I had passed on this apocryphal posting spotting it for the joke it is, but as it is posted in part for my benefit….. it doesn’t look like any lamprey I have ever seen. Too large by x10, mouth doesn’t have the sucker pad to attach to fish, looks more like a top predator than a parasite.

    Still, as noted, YES===just one more reason not to go into the water. If GOD wanted us in the water, we would still have gills.

    While not a mathematical expert, I have always wonder about shark statistics: “You are more likely to get eaten by a shark than…..” How does that work exactly? If you don’t go in the water, the chance is zero. So are the odds based on those who do enter the water or what? They strike me as being applied over the entire human population which is invalid in my book. Never has made any sense.

    And yes, fresh water amoeba and parasites scare the poo out of me. Nasal flushing … I used to do it when coming down with a cold. Stopped doing it. I don’t want to increase the odds of any shark attacks.

  14. jpfitz says:

    Doesn’t phase me and I live on Long Island, and yea I swim in the ocean. Not fond of swimming in lakes though. The branch that bumps into you while swimming scares the crap out of me.

  15. Grandpa says:

    Once, about 50 years ago, we were fishing and swimming in a New Jersey tidal area. My brother hooked something very large. He played it for some time and managed to pull it to the top. It was an eel about six feet long! So big, nobody wanted it on dry land! So he broke the line and let it escape. That eel was as big around as a leg.

  16. LibertyLover says:

    http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VAuU9r-aSQY/T-52mL53YsI/AAAAAAAAAVk/kL4c_Y7kN_Y/s1600/shit-weasel.jpg

    Looks like a shit-weasel from Stephen King’s Dreamcatcher.

  17. orchidcup says:

    Only one out of seven fish/humans survive the attack.

    I have not found any references to lampreys attacking humans, so this statistic is dubious.

  18. So what says:

    Crappy touch screen keyboard. That should been matched the dubious story.

  19. John E. Quantum says:

    Somehow it brings to mind the movie Teeth.

  20. Anonymous Coward says:

    What was speared is one of those “kinder, gentler” IRS agents the government told us about some years back.

  21. MikeN says:

    Bobbo’s only being haunted by the State Dept Keystone Pipeline environmental impact statement that says it can go forward.
    I admit I am puzzled to see what appears to be an upcoming approval of the pipeline.

    • bobbo, the pragmatic existential evangelical anti-theist says:

      Hey Mickey–nice listing of 1970 articles above. Out of the many general media reports, only one was in a scientific publication. Worth the download and quick read. It totally allows for what we are seeing today.

      1975 – Climate Change: Chilling Possibilities (Science News, March 1, 1975)

      Funny how science is like that.

      On CageMatch, a series of links has been made showing most likely our children–not great grand kiddies, will be faced with reacting to Climate Change. Seems the IPCC was widely optimistic about how long it would take for the effects to be seen.

      We are “doomed” whether the tar sands are melted or not. There is too much in the carbon pipeline already. Tar sands will be only another cherry on top of the shit pile we hand off.

  22. Faceless says:

    Thought you might like to see a little VIDEO of some of these things. Nothing a large as that one, but apparently they do exist!

    https://youtube.com/watch?v=-yDwhN2oPNE

  23. Angel H. Wong says:

    Here

    http://food.com/recipe/beer-battered-fried-lamprey-479802

    Anything tastes better when it’s coated in beer batter and then deep-fried.