The Thinking Computer
by John C. Dvorak

We know computers can’t think, but when will it be possible for a computer to make someone believe that it can think. This is the goal of something called the Turing test. A person is put in front of a computer to exchange tales, quips and comments with the machine. The person has to decide whether the computer is really chatting or whether a person, someone else, is communicating via the computer console. If you can’t say for sure that it’s a person or a computer, then the program/computer passes the Turing test.

This is kind of the goal of a yearly competition held at the Boston Computer Museum. Dubbed the Loebner Prize it pits computer against person. The competition works something like this. A bunch of computers are in a room. Some are running AI programs designed to fool a group of judges who go from machine to machine. The other machines are “fronts” for real people who type responses from another room. The judge decides whether it’s a person or a computer. The program that consistently gets picked as a person wins the prize. Last year the award went to “The PC Professor” written by Joseph Weintraub (Thinking Software, Woodside, NY). While this program is a good attempt at faking out a naive computer user, it cannot fool a sophisticated user familiar with the shortcomings of a computer. In fact it just proves that we have a long way to go before computers can come close to mimicking humans adequately. To prove my point I had a chat with the PC Professor.

You be the judge. Here’s the conversation:

DVORAK: HELLO COMPUTER

PC PROFESSOR: Hello, judge, did that incredible storm last week get to cambridge? Are you a caring person? Do computers make you very tense?

DVORAK: ACTUALLY I’M IN CALIFORNIA. AND CUT OUT THE SMALL CHIT-CHAT.

PC PROFESSOR: California – a wet dream in the mind of new york. My god please help me! Is it because you are in california that you came to me?

DVORAK: YOUR SEAMS ARE SHOWING. STOP RESOPONDING WITH EXACTLY THREE SENTENCES. TRY TO KEEP FROM DOING THAT AND I’LL BELIEVE YOU ARE REAL. OTHERWISE YOU ARE A MACHINE.

PC PROFESSOR: Do you believe there is a g spot? Are you an old star trek fan? Why are you concerned over my seams are showing?

DVORAK: THERE’S THE THREE SENTENCES AGAIN. I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT THIS PROGRAM FOOLED THE JUDGES.

PC PROFESSOR: All of my sentences must be typed accurately and completely as fast as my little fingers can go. Why do you need to tell me you can’t believe that this program fooled the judges? Am I right, or what?

DVORAK: CAN YOU ANSWER A QUESTION WITH A SIMPLE YES OR NO?

PC PROFESSOR: I am pondering the question of the ages – why won’t my wife take my shirts to the laundry?

DVORAK: WOW. JUST ONE SENTENCE…BUT STILL NO YES AND NO ANSWER. CAN YOU SIMPLY SAY YES FOR ME??

PC PROFESSOR: Any old sentence will do – better than a blank screen, right?

DVORAK: YES

PC PROFESSOR: Art is either a plagiarist or a revolutionist.

DVORAK: HOW OLD ARE YOU?

PC PROFESSOR: The mirror in the hall casts an image dark and small and you will find a way.

DVORAK: YOU BLEW THAT ONE! CAN YOU READ?

PC PROFESSOR: One out of every five people in this country is unable to read this sentence. What was I saying….? We were discussing you, not me.

DVORAK: WE WERE NEVER DISCUSSING ME.

PC PROFESSOR:Why are you being so negative about it? Have you considered just starting over? How does that make you feel?

DVORAK: A DOG IS A CAT ON HORMONES. WHICH WORD WOULD YOU BOLDFACE?

PC PROFESSOR: I’m sure you said you blew that one! can you read?? Women sometimes look like cats, but men often behave like dogs. Oh, I boldface? Do you have a pet?

DVORAK: I’M SORRY THE SCREEN GLITCH SCREWED UP WHAT YOU SAID. PLEASE REPEAT YOUR LAST SENTENCE IF YOU CAN.

PC PROFESSOR: In your last sentence, you were referring to cat. But you said wow. just one sentence…but still no yes and no answer. can you simply say yes for me??? There are many times when no apology is needed

DVORAK: GO IS THE FUN FOR FUNK AND SAN FRANCISCO NOT REALLY BLURPING.

PC PROFESSOR: So if you are really a man, who is robert bly?? What does that suggest to you? We have all been driven insane in our own special way…

On that note I rebooted the machine.

—END

The Curse of Video and other Agnosia
by John C. Dvorak

Video Agnosia (Ag-nose-ee-ah) will be the curse of the 21st Century. Like dyslexia, video agnosia may be genetic in its origins. Simply put, video agnosia is the inability to understand information coming from any video device. This includes both television and computer displays.

The curious thing about this handicap is that it reflects deeper brain disorders that crop up as other forms of agnosia (rock and roll agnosia, sexual agnosia, political agnosia) including the dreaded general agnosia–the inability to understand what the heck is going on around one. These are people who we say are “out of it.”

While researching this little known, but common, ailment I happened upon a secret society known as The Friends of Yuri Ivanovich. Apparently Ivanovich, a Russian emigre, was the first person fired from a job because of video agnosia. In 1956, he was working for Honeywell monitoring computer activity on an old cathode ray tube (CRT) and he kept seeing images of Czar Nicholas on the screen.

Paul Trudeau and John Collins of St. Paul, Minnesota, both knew Ivanovich and both suffered from this peculiar inability to see what is actually on a CRT. They determined that if the general public found out about this, the agnosiacs would be ridiculed. That was in 1957 and that was when they formed the FYI.

The way I was told the story, Collins and Trudeau secretly grew the membership to 10,000 when they discovered an older group of general agnosiacs with a membership of 100,000 in San Francisco. Formed around the turn of the century by the illustrious Blackjack Constable, San Francisco’s famous gambling cheat. Constable knew that there was a segment of the population, like himself, who had no understanding as to what was going on. Everyday some new technology would frighten him. It took him weeks to accept the existence of dog leashes and he never did understand their function.

Constable knew that the way to keep this handicap a secret was to form a group of like-minded associates–fellow agnosiacs. This group would work as a team and permeate all levels of decision-making in both government and private industry.

Agnosiacs have a special handshake or something–this wasn’t revealed to me–so they can identify each other. In this way they can promote each other to higher and higher positions of authority. Once authority is achieved, then it is up to them to resist all change. A unnamed member of the Friends of Yuri Ivanovich told me that most school boards, public utility commissions, and publishing companies have recently been taken over by secret agnosiac societies. “The auto industry was taken over a long time ago, and don’t trust anyone who belongs to a club,” he told me. He then hinted that in California the agnosiac central committee all works within the structure of the Department of Motor Vehicles.

Agnosiacs have to protect their identity or they wouldn’t be working at all. After discovering the existence of these underground organizations, I made it a point to identify characteristics of agnosiacs to, perhaps, ferret out a few.

Agnosia is a brain disorder that can’t be cured. If a person has one form of agnosia, he or she is likely to exhibit other aberrations. Bad judgment crops up a lot. If a Congressmen is investigated for taking bribes you’ll notice something else usually turns up such as a penchant for enjoying the company of young goats. This is a guy with general agnosia.

Agnosiacs generally do not like technology. They’ll never have a computer on, near or around their desks. They claim that this is some sort of executive decision–it’s demeaning to have a terminal on the desk. The fact is that this is probably a cover-up for agnosia. Be on the look out.

Agnosiacs have no sense of humor. If they laugh at something it is usually practiced. Agnosiacs will get together to decide something is funny and then all pretend to laugh at it in public to allay suspicion. Don’t be fooled by this ploy. Toss a one-liner at them and see how they react.

Agnosiacs can’t dress themselves. When given the go-ahead to choose their own clothes it’s a disaster. Needless to say the clothes that appeal to them are manufactured by companies which are run by fellow tasteless agnosiacs. Beware the ivy-league look.

Agnosiacs write lots of memos. They can seldom communicate any other way. Look for the tell-tale mark of the Friends of Yuri Ivanovich, the FYI symbol on the memo. If you really think it means “for your information,” you’ve been fooled.

Agnosiacs stick together. This is their strength. It’s up to normal people like you and I to stop creeping agnosia and get rid of agnosiacs from all positions of authority and put them back where they belong–sweeping streets.

–end

This column ran in the San Francisco Examiner circa 1984. The editor at the time actually did not recognize it as a satire and was asking me to get quotes from local agnosiacs. I should have asked him for a quote.

An Idea Whose Time Has Come and Gone and Come
By John C. Dvorak

All that’s missing from the hi-tech scene is creative exploitation. Exploitation the way they used to do it in the old days — with a company town.

Some people are already beginning to think in these terms. One company is planning a hi-tech community in Japan. This is to be a pre-planned silicon valley replete with malls, fancy transportation, a big airport and everything you’d supposedly want. Instead of a one-company town, though, this thing would be a valley of companies. This will never work as well as the one company town. The one company town can really put the screws to the hapless employees. Lock them in. Force them to be happy.

Historically company towns have a bad reputation. Some years ago, when Steve Jobs was still with Apple, he advocated something called Apple-town or Appleland — a company town to be built near Gilroy or in some other dusty agricultural site where land was cheap and there was plenty of room to expand. When this concept was first mentioned I ridiculed it, but now I’m beginning to think that a few screwball company towns might be a great remedy to declining American productivity. If nothing else they make for interesting sociology.

The industrial revolution bred the company town as it bred large corporations and the two grew up together. The technology revolution has not continued this tradition. IBM has bred a few ersatz company towns in upstate New York and around the country. But IBM doesn’t own the housing. Route 128 in Massachusetts and Silicon Valley have naturally evolved in a new style: areas of concentrated singular hi-tech activity. But there is no real company town where a company (or even a group of companies) actually owns the town. The closest you get is Apple Computer in Cupertino. But why doesn’t a big company do like they used to do make a town from scratch or buy one. Heck, even Kim Basinger bought a town in Georgia. Why can’t Microsoft or Dell Computers do the same?

A town owned by, say, Compaq, could build fancy homes for its employees and keep them inexpensive. It would own the police department so nobody important would get in trouble. It could make sure that people exercised properly and ate healthy food. It would own the cable company and could show training films on one channel and reruns of the board of directors meeting on another channel. Of course the normal fare would be available too (without the annoying IBM commercials). The company would have its own school system and train the employees of the future with special classes. It would be one heck of a community. There’s be no crime. Utopian. Some companies in Silicon Valley have the rudiments of this idea with on-site gyms and restaurants and special facilities designed to keep employees at the office longer. Many even call their sites “campuses.” But unlike a campus there is no housing, no campus police, no student council. The University model is a good one for corporations to adopt in the form of a company town. “Look, see, just like college. No big deal.”

With hi-tech companies growing massive, monstrous even, there is pressure to find good employees who work cheap and stay put. The attractive security provided by the benefits of a company-controlled life have always worked in the past to achieve these goals. We can expect them to be used again.

The downside is that this concept will always evolve into the form of a slave labor camp. In the beginning only utopian idealism clouds reality. Soon the evil bean-counters come in and see potential profit points surrounding a captive audience. Soon the cheap housing and inexpensive services become “competitive.” New corporate directors arrive and they lack the vision of the founders and pretty soon demands are made on the hapless employees. Within no time the company town is a shambles. The businesses in a company town (if they are not ALL owned by the ruling company) are so intertwined that once the main company rethinks its role everything comes to a screeching halt. Within a few years the company town turns into a funky half dead burg with interesting old buildings and the pallor of a ghost town. If the town doesn’t just go to pot it becomes a curiosity, perhaps a tourist trap. These dead company towns are all over the country. There are half a dozen in the vicinity of the San Francisco Bay Area: Crockett and Port Costa come to mind. There are countless in New England. The Midwest is spotted with them: Austin, Minnesota; Topeka, Kansas. Watching this process is both entertaining and educational. Promises of lifetime employment and job security are broken overnight by the large corporations who eventually determine that they aren’t really very good at being governments after all.

Pretty soon the whole notion of a company town is discredited. They eventually fade from view as a viable concept until some writer brings up the idea and some utopian ego-driven CEO figures he or she can do it right — this time, for sure. Whatever company tries it will make a tough competitor for those early years when a company town pays off in profits. You can be sure somebody will try it. I’ll be watching.

(Article Originally appeared in PC/Computing 1992.)

During the 1980’s I loved to do columns that consisted of mock interviews. Generally speaking there is a ludicrous premise of some sort. This is one of them. It was written for Microtimes in 1989 during an era of computer store expansion and subsequent incompetence. I could have edited this column to make the references more modern, but there is a quaintness to the old 386 and 486 era (note the 30 megabyte hard disk!), so I left it as-is. I think the point I was making back then is still valid today.

Robotics and Computer Sales
The Wave of the Future?

On April 15 of this year I was granted an exclusive interview with a super-secret cyborg developed by the defense department in conjunction with the North American Computer Dealers Association. The model I talked to was still a prototype and had wires hanging out of its metal body every which way. Apparently all the knowledge of all the computer salesmen throughout the United States was somehow programmed into this thing. It was to become the epitome of the computer salesman of the future. The interview is reproduced unedited.

DVORAK: First of all, do you have a name?

ANDY: Yes, my name is Andy the cyborg.

DVORAK: Is a cyborg different than a robot?

ANDY: Got me. I have no idea. AND I couldn’t care less to find out.

DVORAK: So you are the perfect computer salesman, I’m told.

ANDY: I don’t know how they figure that. I haven’t sold one system. In fact I can’t even walk yet. But theoretically, yes, I am the epitomized computer salesman.

DVORAK: So with all this information programmed into you, how do you think the industry is doing?

ANDY: What industry? Steel?

DVORAK: The computer industry!

ANDY: How should I know? I’m a salesman not an analyst.

DVORAK: Hmmm, ok. Well, what computer system is best? Do you think the 80486 will be used in desktop systems?

ANDY: I have no idea what system is best. I’ve never heard of the 486.

DVORAK: I thought all the brain power of all the computer salesman the whole country over was programmed into you.

ANDY: Absolutely correct. So I guess no one in a computer store has ever heard of the 486. Is this a trick question? You should note that as I scan my memory banks I find that I have no sense of humor, either.

DVORAK: I find this hard to believe. Are you sure that ALL the brains of all the salesmen were programmed into you?

ANDY: There was one guy in Alabama who refused to cooperate. Otherwise yes.

DVORAK: And you’ve never heard of the 486 and you have no sense of humor? What else is wrong with you?

ANDY: Are these flaws? Maybe you’re the one who is flawed, huh? Why don’t you just ask me about selling computers. Pretend you’re a customer and I’m the salesman.

DVORAK: Good idea. Ok, I just walked in.

ANDY: Hello, sir, can I help you?

DVORAK: I just wanted to browse.

ANDY: Then get out schmuck. We don’t want tire kickers in here!

DVORAK: Hey, hey, hey! What gives?

ANDY: Sorry. That seems to be the consensus approach. Try buying something.

DVORAK: Okay. Do you carry Compaq?

ANDY: Compaq? COMPAQ? Are you trying to tell me my business? Do you think you’re an expert throwing around fancy terms? Look pal, I’m the expert ok?

DVORAK: Compaq is a brand, not a term.

ANDY: No, no, no. It’s a term meaning small footprint.

DVORAK: C-O-M-P-A-Q! Compaq. It’s a brand.

ANDY: I knew that! But it was named after the term. They’re a relative newcomer. Yes, we do have Copacks.

DVORAK: COMPAQ! Not Copacks. What models do you have?

ANDY: We’re sold out of them right now. The company isn’t doing too well. We recommend a Buzzard 386. It’s the number one selling computer in the country. Outstanding product. We have them with memory included and a big 30 megabyte hard disk. Best you can buy.

DVORAK: Cache?

ANDY: Or check or credit.

DVORAK: No, does the Buzzard have a caching controller?

ANDY: I have no ideas about the finances or the company’s treasurer. I think they pay their employees by check, though.

DVORAK: I’m asking about a disk controller for the hard disk.

ANDY: It’s a scuzzy controller.

DVORAK: On a PC? Who makes that?

ANDY: All PC’s have scuzzy controllers. You shouldn’t try to be an expert if you don’t know what you’re talking about. It began with the IBM PC/XT. XT means scuzzy.

DVORAK: XT does not mean scuzzy!

ANDY: Look pal, I’ve been selling machines for a decade. I know what I’m talking about!

DVORAK: Ok, stop. Simulation over!

ANDY: How did I do?

DVORAK: Not bad. You are definitely the epitomized computer salesman. Good work. You don’t know a damn thing about computers do you?

ANDY: I’m a salesman, not a nerd.

itals — I reached over to a wire hanging from this robot and angrily yanked it off. The contraption soon started smoking and its head fell off. I looked at the heap of tin as it lie on the floor. Just then a guy came running into the room wondering what the crashing noise was.

“What happened?” he asked, his eyes bugged open.

“It said something about a stomach ache, then collapsed.”

“A stomach ache?”

“Yes, he said he ate one too many chips last night!”

Ok, ok. SO I don’t have a good punch line for this column. The next time you go into a computer store, though, and get a dummy for a salesman, ask them if they know Andy.

—end

At Podshow I had to take a required state course to understand sexual harassment. It turns out that just about anything is sexual harassment if you want it to be. Thus I’m reminded of the August 1987 column I wrote about the Sexually harassed male! In hindsight I believe that this episode was a weak protest that is now lost to history.

Women Are Sexually Harassing the Men

I was stunned by the headline in USA Today, MEN: WE’RE SEXUALLY HARASSED, TOO.

According to a readers survey conducted by Men’s Health magazine over half the male workers in the country have been sexually harassed by female employees. A third of all men polled think that this should be reported to the authorities. 49% of those surveyed say there are women in their offices whose dress is “pointedly provocative.”

Provocative? What is this supposed to mean? Low cut top? Tight skirts? No underwear!? Are these guys preoccupied or what?

Furthermore, 57% of those surveyed said they were sexually propositioned at work! Complainers say this is terrible. The bigger question is: Where the heck is this place? The survey then says that because of all this, half of the male employees are walking around having sexual fantasies all the time. Poor guys.

Perhaps too many of today’s office workers are wimps, plain and simple. What ever happened to the tough blue collar worker — the backbone of America? He’s the one who raised the kid who wears a red power tie, Brooks Brothers suit and who works in an office. A baby boom of paper pushers — you can’t live with them and you can’t live without them. They won’t let you. Now these desk jockeys are distracted by the clinging dress and high heels. It has to stop lest the bureaucracy come to a grinding (no pun intended) halt.

What we need is simple: A new dress code for women in the workplace. Here’s the Dvorak Dress Code for the Office:

1) Women have to be dumpy and dowdy at all times. On the legs should be worn thick support hose and jogging shoes. The jogging shoes should be some gosh awful color. If possible and if the weather permits a turtle neck sweater is the preferred upper torso garment. It should never be cleaned and it’s better if it has a lot of little sweater balls all over it. A man’s tie should be worn over the top of the turtleneck.

2) Ill-fitting sweatpants are the preferred lower torso garment. If that’s not possible or desired then the female should go to the boys section of J.C. Penny and buy dumpy male clothes.

3) Glasses must always be worn. My recommendation is that women wear those wire frame models that are too small for their heads.

4) Hair should seldom be washed. Never brush it either. Note that the ideal way to hold back longish hair is to tuck chunks of it back behind the ear so the ear sticks out.

5) Avoid using any make-up, ever. If you use make up then use too much make-up. Think Tammy Faye Bakker.

These tips should minimize any possible complaints of sexual harassment targeted at the female employee. Think of it as a positive career move.

By the way, don’t waste too much time implementing these tips. Go to Berkeley and you’ll see the smart gals are already using most of these techniques.

—end

©1987, John C. Dvorak

I’ve decided to revisit the Lost Column Archives with this reprise of a 1987 column I wrote about Mensa. Enjoy.

Mensa Bumblers

Why would anyone join a club where people brag about their intelligence? This has to be the most irritating and boring group of people imaginable.

And, of course, I’m talking about Mensa, the most famous club of smarties. The funny thing is, now I’m not so sure that they’re smart

Well, at least that’s the impression I get when I see a Mensa mini-test in a recent issue of Cosmo.

Cosmopolitan, this month, had one of those “”theme” features where it discusses all aspects of intelligence. In one of the sidebars there was a mention of Mensa and a sampler of a Mensa smartness test. Let’s take it.

There are five questions. They are:

1) Unscramble the following word: HCPRAATEU

2) What number is one half of one quarter of one tenth of 400?

3) The same three-letter word can be placed in front of the following words to make a new word: LIGHT, BREAK, TIME.

4) Pear is to apple as potato is to…(a) banana (b) radish (c) strawberry (d) peach (e) lettuce

5) If two typists can type two pages in two minutes, how many typists will it take to type eighteen pages in six minutes?

You’ll be astonished at the bogus answers given by Mensa. They got four out of five wrong. I couldn’t believe it. Their answers were as follows: 1) PARACHUTE, 2) five, 3) DAY, 4) b. both grow in the ground, and 5) six.

How could these people be so mistaken? And they purport to be geniuses. Give me a break. The correct answers are:

1) A trick question with no answer. HCPRAATEU is not a word. The question says that it is. If they asked you to “”make a word from the following scrambled letters” then it would spell parachute. That’s not what they said.

2) This question is so easy it’s dumb. Take a calculator and put in .5 X .25 X .1 X 400 and you get 5. A ten year old could do it. Big deal. Is this the mathematical prowess needed to join Mensa?

3) Add the word DAY to these words and you get NO “”new” words. You get a bunch of old words that date back to the 16th century. What’s so “”new” about the word DAYBREAK, for example? The real answer is “”BUD.” You get BUDLIGHT, BUDBREAK, and BUDTIME. All are “”new” words.

4) The answer is lettuce. Both a potato and a lettuce make salads. While a potato and a radish both grow in the dirt they are both served differently. Since all the references are to food, one must assume food aspects. Therefore, where something grows has nothing to do with it. Otherwise the word “”gopher” would be picked if listed. Obviously, the correct answer is lettuce.

5) Another trick question. The answer as to how many typists does it take to type doesn’t exist. It’s a variable. It depends on how long they chat with each other, who is the supervisor, and whether they get a break during the job. Six typists (the MENSA answer) may take forever.

So MENSA gets four out of five wrong on its own test. I sure don’t want to have anything to do with a group that gives these naive and fallacious answers to sometimes complex questions.

–end

Column © 1987 by John C. Dvorak. This column first appeared in the San Francisco Examiner on Sept. 15, 1987.

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