Lost Columns Archive

Hot Chatting With A Robot

  By John C. Dvorak

The following article was first published in Boardwatch magazine April 1996. I was funnier then I think. What's interesting about this column (which was one of the easiest to write ever since I just cut and pasted a chat with this online 'bot") was that we wanted to put this piece into Online! -- The book but the publisher refused saying it was too risque. Specifically it was too risque for Notre Dame, one of the big customers I was told. Here is the column in its entirety. Hopefully nobody from Notre Dame will see it and be offended.


This column initially began after I read a story about a couple that is getting a divorce because the woman was having an "affair" with some online geek she had never met or laid eyes on. It was ridiculous. Some affair. It's like having an affair with an imaginary friend. It was the husband who filed for divorce, probably unaware that the handsome man his wife was having an online affair with was a pimple-faced 14-year-old or some old man from Dubuque. Or, as my little online experience indicates, it may have been a robot!

This happened during the era when AOL was less than a million users and there were actually interesting and famous people in the chatrooms. I, like many bored geeks would go there and chat with strangers -- usually about nothing. Once in a while I'd get solicited by an idiot trying to get my password or some girl offering expensive phone sex. I usually never responded when a bot came along not realizing the entertainment value. I soon began to realize that some phone sex operations used a piss-poor artificial intelligence program not much better than ELIZA to get people interested. Of course if you actually interact with this software it's shows itself to be pathetic...but funny. Here's a real conversation I recorded from an online bot circa 1996 when confronted with one of these automated systems.

This is unedited. You can spot how some key words trigger a particular canned response. I have not redone this exercise and would suspect that these programs have improved a bit.

It begins with a fast solicitation for phone sex. Here's what follows. I changed the name to Monica (it was actually a Monica with some numbers added) and left out the last digits of the phone sex operation.

Monica: You call now, ok?

John: glad too..but tell me about yourself first

Monica: I like you.

John: are you running a program on me?

Monica: i like it deep

John: what else?

Monica: Where are you from?

John: Berkeley..u?

Monica: Ever been tied up?

John: Hasn't everyone? ...have you?

Monica: If you want to get off call me at 1-800-379-xxxx and I will make your fantasy cum true!

John: that sounds good

Monica: Do me good

John: of course..describe yourself

Monica: Will I be hearing your voice soon?

John: yes in a minute

Monica: I've had sex with other women, have you?

John: what is your name?

Monica: What is your favorite position?

John: what is your name?

[long pause]

John: are you still there?

Monica: Cybersex is like work, call me.

John: I did they asked for a credit card..what gives??

Monica: Do you trade gifs?

John: yes..send me yours

Monica: I want to take off my panties.

John: take them off...see if I care

Monica: Lick me slowly...

John: come over to the house

Monica: I'm a phoneSEX operator and when it gets slow I come online cause I get so bored. Call me, 1-800-379-xxxx.

John: give me the number again

Monica: How kinky do you get?

John: it will depend on you..how kinky do you get?

Monica: If you want to get off call me at 1-800-379-xxxx and I will make your fantasy cum true!

John: Can I call you direct?

Monica: Enough cyber lets have phoneSEX! Call me now at 1-800-379-xxxx. I'm just sitting here waiting for calls.

John: oral hot action newbie Clinton panties phone

Monica: You're exactly what I need!

John: some parser!!

Monica: I'll do anything you want. Call me at 1-800-379-xxxx. I'm waiting...

John: will you finish debugging my program??

Monica: I want to sit on you.

John: that won't fix the problem

Monica: You want me?

John: yes..I need your help

Monica: I hope you call soon, I want to cum!

John: are you very attractive

Monica: Are you stiff?

John: actually I've had a few beers..very limber

Monica: How tall are you?

John: as tall as I was yesterday

Monica: If you want me to have phonesex with you call, 1-800-379-xxxx I will make you cum.

John: but it's technical support I need

Monica: Can we meet?

John: yes let's meet

Monica: Let me take this bra off.

John: ok..if that makes you more comfortable

Monica: I want you

John: take me I'm yours

Monica: Take me.

John: no take me!

Monica: I need you to call me! I want you! Call 1-800-379-xxxx

John: give me the number again I lost it

Monica: I like you.

John: I think this is where I came in...

Monica: Send me your gif.

John: oh..this is new..interesting request

Monica: I love taking showers.

John: everyone should bathe regularly

Monica: Touch my nipples.

John: where are they??

Monica: Are you alone?

John: I'm in a bowling alley

Monica: If you want to get off call me at 1-800-379-xxxx and I will make your fantasy cum true!

John: can you send me two messages without my sending you one in-between??

Monica: Thats it baby.

John: That's what??

Monica: Lick me slowly...

John: and exactly what will that accomplish?

Monica: I need some hot phone sex bad!

John: you do?? why??

Monica: Take me.

John: where do you want to go?

Monica: Call me at 1-800-379-xxxx. Hurry!.

John: what's the rush?

Monica: Have you read my profile?

John: yes..it's rather dull

Monica: Your so sexy

John: check your grammar

Monica: I can make you cum.

John: how?

Monica: Can't keep up with so many IM's.

John: unusual ..since a machine is doing all the talking

Monica: If you want to get off call me at 1-800-379-xxxx and I will make your fantasy cum true!

John: sounds familiar...I'm outta here

Monica: Give it to me hunny

John: I can give you some advice

Monica: I want to make you feel like a man! Call 1-800-379-xxxx and lets get started.

And so it goes. Technology's finest hour.



































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