Aliens are here! On the net!

By Friday September 24, 2004

alien
Can I buy you a drink, hon?

Weekly World News

Aliens using email. I was going to sit on this story until after the elections, but I understand it will be on 60 Minutes this weekend.

Aliens have tapped into our Internet connections

The porn that’s clogging your e-mail inbox isn’t always sent by some lonely pervert getting his kicks in a shabby apartment, or by marketing companies trying to make a buck on X-rated merchandise. A top researcher says you could also be getting spammed by aliens on a distant planet!

Astrophysicist Dr. Paul Winterhoof says aliens have “hijacked” the satellite transmissions that connect computers on the Internet, and are using them to contact Earth women with lurid claims about their sexual prowess — or to entice Earth men with offers of miraculous performance-enhancing drugs and gadgets.

The purpose, Dr. Winterhoof says, is to more efficiently initiate sexual contact for a planned breeding program that will mate humans and extraterrestrials.



4 Comments
  1. Thomas says:
    9/24/2004 at 7:05 am

    “It’s well known that aliens have been mating with humans for generations,” he says. “But now they are using the Internet to make first contact. Just as the Internet has changed the way humans socialize and do business, so has it altered the way in which aliens seek to infiltrate our society.

    So I guess the line “Take me to your leader” is no longer in alien vogue?

    Dr. Winterhoof says he began to investigate the alienporn connection after receiving numerous racy emails filled with gibberish. “The message body, and sometimes even the subject line, contained hundreds of naughty words that had simply been strung together in ways that made no sense at all,” he explains.

    It couldn’t *possibly* be a way to circumvent anti-spam filters. ;->

    “Unless you want a three-headed alien at your door with some high-tech sex toy, your best bet is to simply ignore these perverts.”

    I would think that would confirm his theory. Cerberus the pervert. I guess he lost his job at the gates. Bad dog. Bad dog!

  2. John Ryle says:
    9/24/2004 at 9:04 am

    Well, none of this is really surprising, given that aliens designed the internet in the first place–a fact that the Weekly World News seems to have failed to mention.

  3. Ed Campbell says:
    9/24/2004 at 9:15 am

    I was going to read the referenced article till I saw the source, John. Whatever happened to the TV show based on that sort of newspaper? It was pretty good.

  4. Mike Voice says:
    9/25/2004 at 9:28 am

    … but I understand it will be on 60 Minutes this weekend.

    LOL

    Damn, I missed that on the first read-through. All becomes clear … okay, maybe not all.


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