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CoolGov » Blog Archive » U.S. Patent #6,293,874 : Butt Kicking Device — OK, Now I know the place has gone bonkers.

On September 25, 2001, an individual named Joe Armstrong received a patent #6,293,874 for a “User-operated amusement apparatus for kicking the user’s buttocks.”

I was convinced this was bogus but it’s not! Here’s a link.

via M. Hom



  1. What will they think of next!
    Its legit!
    Joe Armstrong holds the patent.
    Just what they need at Ziff Davis TESTING Labs :-)

  2. Paddy Mullen says:

    It looks like it was designed in the 1700′s. I wonder if you can hook it up to a waterwheel.

  3. Michael Cuthbertson says:

    Butt-kicking machine? That’s ridiculous!
    This is clearly a shoe-polishing machine, and a damn fine one at that.
    One just applies ones’ favorite color polish liberally and evenly over one’s buttocks, and, voila!
    A $10 professional bootblack shine, just like down at the train station.
    Although one can also see its’ value as a butt-polishing machine,
    with a simple change from shoes to fluffy, heated, waxed-soaked pads.
    A real lifesaver for Thong Night down at the Manhole.
    If I were in Joe’s shoes, so to speak, I would significantly broaden this patent, and pronto, before Shopping Channel or Ronco get ahold of it.

  4. david says:

    With an invention like that, I wonder if Joe Armstrong could even commit to memory the number of his patent; hey, that’s probably why he invented it in the first place!

  5. “shoe-polishing machine”
    Now thats thinking out of the box!
    If you replace the shoes with blades you will have a nice fan for the old main frame.

  6. Richard says:

    Now if you change out the shoes to sycophants, it changes from a “Butt kicking device” to an “Executive butt kissing device”. Wow, can’t you see it installed in all those meeting rooms across America. It will make millions, just millions.

  7. Joe Armstrong says:

    Yes Paddy Mullen–I am the inventor Joe Armstrong! No it was not invented in the 1700′s. The idea was not for people to let water power kick their Butts, but to let they themselves(BY THEIR OWN HANDS) KICK THEIR ASS. Have not you ever heard many people say

  8. Joe Armstrong says:

    INVENTORS ANSWER TO #4 DAVID. “YOU SMART ASS– YOU NEED YOUR ASS KICKED!! ———I”ll be glad to do it the Old Fashioned Way, or do it the MORE CIVILIZED way with my “STATE OF THE ART” ASS KICKING MACHINE!!!

    Come on David, be positive, say something Nice! It’s OK come on to Lenoir City ,Tennessee -Let’s Talk it over and kick some _ _ _ !

  9. Joe Armstrong says:

    ***ANSWER TO RICHARDS COMMENTS. Let’s think about the need for this in Washington D.C. Plenty of Elephants ans Asses to kick.
    The Ole “GOLDEN FLEESE AWARD” should be replaced with a new
    NEED YOUR ASS KICKED AWARD! Surely one could be awarded weekly, if not daily! Humm? wonder if I sould give a Free one to Dan R _ Bill O’ Reilly, NBC, CBS, CNN?—–YES–no need to wonder, I will gladly give them one to use ,or use it on someone!

    State of the art inventor (Joe Armstrong -(865)986-5881.

  10. Jennifer Caldwell Weaver says:

    That is my Uncle Joe! Congrats, can you use it on Randy, as I am sure he was the inspiration!!!

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