Eighteen senators were sent home from Congress after a routine screening found an infestation of nits, larvae, and adult parasites living on the scalps of high-ranking Washington lawmakers.

The outbreak of head lice, which many are calling the worst in U.S. Senate history, has brought the Capitol to a standstill, with presiding officer Vice President Joe Biden suspending all daily sessions until further notice.

“I regret to inform the American people that the Senate chamber has been struck by a devastating case of lice,” majority leader Harry Reid (D-NV) said. “Although we’ve already dismissed a number of afflicted senators, and thrown out most of their personal belongings, it is imperative that this issue be resolved as quickly as possible.”

“This outbreak needs to be addressed,” continued Reid, speaking from behind a podium wrapped in airtight plastic sheets. “We can’t risk having lice spread to the House.”

According to sources on Capitol Hill, signs of a potential infestation first surfaced early Monday morning when Sen. Thad Cochran (R-MS) witnessed Sen. Jay Rockefeller (D-WV) excessively scratching at the back of his head. Cochran, who sits directly behind Rockefeller, said that the five-term senator’s aggressive attempts to relieve an itch dislodged several tiny, writhing bugs, which fell onto a binder containing bill S. 2294.

It was so disgusting,” said Cochran, adding that he thought Sen. Rockefeller only had dandruff. “I’ll never cosponsor a bill with him again. I bet he doesn’t even shower.”

While Senate leaders would not release the name of the blood-feeding parasite’s original host, many legislators speculated Tuesday that the epidemic started with that one gross Arkansas representative who always wears sweatpants…

According to Beltway insiders, this is the worst contagion to hit the federal government since 2004, when a single infected gavel gave the entire Supreme Court crabs.

RTFA. The Onion is always a great way to top off the weekend.

Thanks, Pat

  1. BigBoyBC says:

    The Onion, should have known….

  2. hoipolloi says:

    Is it worse for a senator to have lice, or for a louse to have senators?

  3. DavidtheDuke says:

    How do they do it time and time again? Always so original, that Onion

  4. Robart says:

    Hmmm….lice on leeches.

  5. mv says:

    How do they do it time and time again? Always so original, that Onion

    … When there is an element of truth in the story unlike in the mainstream media where the entire story is based on an element of falsehood.

  6. John Paradox says:

    So? People have referred to ‘lousy politicians’ for years.


  7. eggman9713 says:

    I thought lice were attracted to LIVE blood…..

  8. AdmFubar says:

    congressional cooties! on a side story, several large religious organisations have a similar problem……

  9. Paul says:

    I thought something was up when I read ““We can’t risk having lice spread to the House.”” and read that as “lies”, thinking it was really about that.

  10. QB says:

    Ewwww. Oh my God, that’s digusting! Lice have been infected by US Senators.

  11. BigBoyBC says:

    “Congressional Cooties”, oh now that’s a good one.

  12. maxisphere says:

    Parasites living on parasites.

  13. soundwash says:

    ..see, i told youz this whole cabinet has been in bed with each other for years..

  14. TripHamer says:

    Shame it was a joke….I was rooting for the lice. 🙁

  15. FRAGaLOT says:

    Gotta hand it to the Onion they are a clever bunch, they should win awards for their production and creativity. Did they win a Webby recently?

  16. FRAGaLOT says:

    I was hoping to see the entire senate and congress shaved balled.

  17. Mr. Fusion says:

    What makes everyone think this is a parody?

  18. Glenn E. says:

    Joke or just one more attempt at slander, now that the Democrats are “in charge”? I mean, only a month into the new administration, and bang, lice. No way!

    But if it is true, then obviously Global Warming is the cause. All this “warm weather” we’ve been having in the US, during these fridge winter months, have been incouraging politicians to don some of their dustier head gear. Which was probably sitting on Senate cloak room shelves, gather lice. They should fumigate Senate rooms, once in a while. Or…. again a lack of warm weather has forced Senators to go on junkets to Mexico and the Virgin Isles. Where the lice was having a good time, first. Mayby these Senators ought to suffer the same humiliating lice spray the soldiers use to get returning from Vietnam. We don’t know what dangerous paradises these politicians might be bring back into the country, from wherever the heck they been. Why should the USA be a melting pot of disease and bugs, just because it would hurt the Airlines’ biz, if their passengers got deloused? I seem to remember reading it’s done in Switzerland.

  19. Mr Diesel says:

    #4 Robart

    There is no way that lice would infect the leeches in Congress, professional courtesy you know.

  20. Sonny says:

    I swear I know that nurse. I can’t place the face but that body looks damned familiar.

  21. Carcarius says:

    It’s a sign of the Apocolypse!!! lol

  22. bill says:

    The lice are feeding on the crap oozing out of their brains.

  23. Buzz says:

    Whoops! This story got out a month early. Sorry guys.

  24. exileguy says:

    Finally, the Onion has the scoop before everyone else…

  25. Mr. Fusion says:

    I think all the Senators were just itching to do some bi-partisan stuff so they got their heads together to work something out.

  26. Rick Cain says:

    I would think Lice would choose their friends more carefully, I mean after all they have a reputation to keep.

  27. Rugland says:

    I guess it’s time for the senators to stop sleeping in the same beds every night 🙂

  28. Rugland says:

    I guess it’s time for the senators to stop sharing beds 🙂

    Don’t they know that if they sleep in the same bed as someone that has lice, they’ll also get it.

    It’s time to start designating regular beds for all of them 😀

  29. Mary says:

    thanks, that was a informative post to go through, I look forward to reading more of your stuff


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