Eternal Earth-Bound Pets:

You’ve committed your life to Jesus. You know you’re saved. But when the Rapture comes what’s to become of your loving pets who are left behind? Eternal Earth-Bound Pets takes that burden off your mind.

We are a group of dedicated animal lovers, and atheists. Each
Eternal Earth-Bound Pet representative is a confirmed atheist, and as such will still be here on Earth after you’ve received your reward. Our network of animal activists are committed to step in when you step up to Jesus.

We are currently active in 20 states and growing. Our representatives have been screened to ensure that they are atheists, animal lovers, are moral / ethical with no criminal background, have the ability and desire to rescue your pet and the means to retrieve them and ensure their care for your pet’s natural life.

From their FAQ:

Q: Is this a Joke?
A: No. This is a serious offer to our Christian friends who believe in the Second Coming and honestly care about the future of their pets after the Rapture occurs.

Yeah right!

  1. Mr. Fusion says:

    #59, Mr. Reaper,

    Sorry, my emoticon didn’t work. Let me try another.


  2. Improbus says:

    Did you know that there is no historical evidence for the existence of the actual person of Jesus? You can’t use any of the New Testament to prove it. The gospels were written at least a generation after the supposed death of Jesus. At best the New Testament is hearsay.

    If you want to be an actual moral person and still need the Bible to do it use this version.

  3. right says:

    1. “All flesh died that moved upon the earth.”
    God drowns everything that breathes air. From newborn babies to koala bears — all creatures great and small, the Lord God drowned them all. 7:21-23

    2. “The Lord is a man of war.” Indeed, judging from his acts in the Old Testament, he is a vicious warlike monster. 15:3

    3. Sarah, who is about 90 years old and has gone through menopause, laughs at God when he tells her that she will have a son. She asks God if she will “have pleasure” with her “Lord” [Abraham], when both are so very old. God assures her that he will return and impregnate her at the appointed time. 18:11-14

    4. Why does God send plagues? So that people can get to know him better. 9:14

  4. mr cool says:

    2 things come out of this:

    1. Alfred1 is incredibly stupid. (it’s actually unbelievable a person could be that stupid)

    2. The chick in the picture is hot and should get a good pounding, maybe then she’ll stop thinking about fairy tales like the rapture.

  5. killer duck says:

    This is brilliant marketing, but I think it would be classified as insurance, and as such is probably illegal in most states.

  6. kap says:

    “When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever ’til the end of time!

    But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can’t handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy Shit!”

    -George Carlin

  7. Alfred1 says:

    #66 Incorrect…The promise:

    NAS Acts 2:38 And Peter said to them, “Repent, and let each of you be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins; and you shall receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. (Act 2:38 NAS)

    Millions of born again Christians testify it happened as promised; their lives were changed, Christ became their center, bumped them off the throne in their hearts…

  8. Weary Reaper says:

    #61 Mr. Fusion

    #59, Mr. Reaper,

    … death is not optional.

    Oh, and like you’re some sort of expert?

    Don’t let the hooded robe and the scythe mislead you, Mr. Fusion. Reaping is a long established and very serious business.

    I only use these smiley things so I don’t scare Alfie1 too much. He might think it’s the Rupture and do something overly dramatic.


  9. right says:

    Gift of the holy spirit:

    1. God kills everyone (men, women, children, infants, newborns) in Sodom and Gomorrah by raining “fire and brimstone from the Lord out of heaven.” Well, almost everyone — he spares the “just and righteous” Lot and his family. 19:24

    2. God tells Abram to kill some animals for him. The needless slaughter makes God feel better. 15:9-10

    3. But God wasn’t satisfied with the slaughter of the 3000, so he killed some more people with a plague. 32:35

    He isn’t even a nice imaginary being.

  10. Mikey Twit says:

    (whistles in amazement at Afred1)!

    Wow! Just wow!

  11. Thomas says:

    > The Lord killeth and maketh alive

    Yep. God of love alright. Us sane folk call that sadism.

    > Nothing is impossible with God

    Including pain, suffering, disease, torture, Alfred1 and host of other thrills and excitement. Stay tuned for a fabulous real estate deal in Sodom.


    > “We are certain that we
    > are of God, but all the
    > world is in the power
    > of the Evil One”

    I’m having a Time Bandits flashback. Anyway, didn’t your deity create *everything* including the world and the Evil One? (Only one?) Again, your deity is a sadist.

    > “he will be let back
    > in when He repents,
    > and believes in Jesus.”

    Who didn’t exist when man was thrown out.

    > “Therefore all the evil
    > in the world, is
    > the fault of men.”

    No, you are claiming that all the evil in the world is the fault of one man: Adam for eating from the wrong tree.

    Millions have claimed they we were invaded by aliens from another planet. Millions have claimed that spirits live inside of trees. Millions of children claim an obese man flying on a sleigh drawn by flying reindeer delivers gifts in one night every year…

  12. Mikey Twit says:


    Ahh! A breath of fresh(intelligent) air!

    Sadly, I believe logic is lost on on poor ol’ Alfred1

  13. gadlaw says:

    Hey Alfred – I hope you take your box full of crazy over and argue when this story hits Fark. Your tireless fountain of useless information about the invisible man in the sky and his zombie kid is much needed there at the weekly theist vs antitheist banter.
    And back to the God as mass murderer discussion. Don’t forget Jericho where he was said to tell his boy to kill every man woman, child and animal as soon as he busted down the walls for his chosen mass murdering thugs. Which brings us back to the guy who ‘listed’ all the ‘atheists’ who were mass murderers. Hitler doesn’t belong on that list, what with doing the Christian fantasy work of killing jews and all – he was quite ‘spiritual’ and them of course Mao believed in quite the spiritual forces himself. Not sure about Pol Pot but he was certainly following a ‘higher order’ with his set of ‘beliefs’ – atheists don’t have sets of beliefs not born of reason and logic. Stalin was an sociopath of a high order to be sure and another follower of a ‘higher order’ with godlike leaders who were followed blindly without reason and without thinking. Same as any other religion. :-p

  14. deowll says:

    To the real Bible reader this may not be that much of an issue. As long as people are expecting it to come any time now it isn’t going to happen or that’s what the book says.

    Besides tribulation is going to be rough enough that pets are most likely going to be a valuable source of food.

  15. Alfred1 says:

    “Jesus loves me, this I KNOW, because the Bible tells me so.”

    One must have more than a pin head to make a point, such as, for example, an argument, with premises and conclusion from them.

    Just spewing pin head bile, is not an argument…

    Now, back to my point:

    “Jesus loves me, this I KNOW, because the Bible tells me so.”

  16. Mr. Fusion says:

    #67, Alphie,

    “Repent, and let each of you be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins; and you shall receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.

    The problem there is you haven’t repented. You claim you have, but you have yet to live as Jesus (aka Hey Zeus) would like you to. You can’t. For you it is impossible. Your heart is too filled with hate to allow Jesus (aka Hey Zeus) in.

    As I said before, you can quote scripture all day. It doesn’t mean you understand what Jesus was teaching his followers. It only means that you know of some scripture you can copy and paste into your comment. (Copy and paste can be good)

    It is the same with Shakespeare. Read, feel, experience what he was saying. Understand the language he wrote in. The nuances, slang, colloquialisms, attitudes, mores.

    For example, what would Jesus say about you owning a gun? Do you really think he would approve?

    How about your cheering of torture? After all, Jesus was badly tortured before his crucifixion which itself is torture.

    Then there is your encouragement of the debasement and rape of young women. Solely for breeding purposes of course. Would Jesus be proud of you?

    You favor those who want to enslave women to bear children. You don’t care much for their plight or lot in life. You aren’t even too enthusiastic about having the baby’s father provide support. Because after the baby is born, she is just another harlot, another whore, another loose woman.

    If you truly want Jesus in your heart, you will need to make room for him. If you haven’t guessed by now how to do that, you never will.

  17. bobbo, HEY ALFIE says:

    #75–It takes intelligence and humor to post that.

    EDITOR==please check Post #75. It is clearly another guy falsely posting as Alfred1. You guys gotta get those controls in before peoples’ reputations are thrown asunder.

  18. right says:

    Hey Alfie, Jesus doesn’t know you, get over it. The bible is a hate filled, racist, statist piece of crap written by nazi people who wanted to have control over the ignorant masses. Alfie, you fit right in.

    “All day long, I am are wrong”. Repeat that each morning and maybe you’ll get somewhere.
    Nah, you won’t because of your delusions so we’ll just have to keep slamming you and you’ll keep ignoring facts and science and critical thinking.
    You’re not fooling or converting us so how does that make you feel?

  19. right says:

    Oops, I meant to say to Alfred1, the resident Delusional commenter,

    “All day long, I am wrong”.

  20. Hugh Ripper says:

    So may of your politicians say that God tells them things (when to run for office, when to invade other countries, when to take the wide stance in the men’s room etc). Why is it, Alfred1, that you have to quote from the Bible to reference what God wants? Don’t you have a direct line? Is He displeased with you?

  21. Dr Dodd says:

    #78-right-The bible is a hate filled, racist, statist piece of crap…

    Good grief, you’re a mean drunk aren’t you? The sport of the 12 oz curl doesn’t seem to be your thing.

  22. right says:

    Dr Dodd, you’re not a doctor are you? Fess up.
    Please prove me wrong about the bible, I challenge you, here and now.

  23. Mr. Fusion says:

    #77, Bobbo, picking up on the little things,

    before peoples’ reputations are thrown asunder.

    Don’t you just hate it when that happens? Kind of reminds me of those old commercials for the United Negro College Fund,

    A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

  24. Dr Dodd says:

    #82-right-you’re not a doctor are you?

    Of course I’m not a Doctor, I just play one on the internet. But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

  25. Mr. Fusion says:

    #81, Dr. Dudd,

    The sport of the 12 oz curl doesn’t seem to be your thing.

    Trolling seems to be your thing.

  26. right says:

    Dodd is Alfred1.

  27. Dr Dodd says:

    #86-right-Dodd is Alfred1.

    Thanks. Considering the crowd I’ll take a complement where I can get it.

  28. right says:

    “complement”. Huh? You and your mirror are both a laugh..and if I might say full of floccinaucinihilipilification.
    Can Dr Dodd spell IQ? Hmmm…the mind reels with the possibilities he might be sentient. Hasn’t proven it yet, though.

  29. Dr Dodd says:


    Holy crap? Just who exactly are you trying to impress? I know you may consider me worthless but believe it or not some find be charming and fun to have around.

  30. right says:

    Doddie/Alphie – Not trying to impress at anytime in my life, no big deal, do not care at all.
    As to you and Alphie’s positive worth to human development, hrumph, well, that I do care about. I hope you haven’t produced any offspring (I’m pretty sure Alfred1 hasn’t)
    to promote your cowardly view f the world.


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