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Famously dubbed the Rodeo Drive of the Rockies, Aspen, Colo., is home to gourmet restaurants, fine jewelry stores, luxury hotels and, for a few months in the summer, bears. “Once a bear gets into a human environment they quickly realize the fried chicken you or I had for dinner last night and may have put in the trash can is highly caloric,” said Colorado Division of Wildlife spokesman Randy Hampton.

Bears need nearly 20,000 calories a day to bulk up before hibernating and feed for 20 hours a day to get it.

Officials are now concerned that across Colorado too many wild bears have developed a tasted for human food and are getting used to people. They are now actively telling residents to be, literally, mean to the bears. Yell at them, throw rocks and if they charge you, stand up to them. “You want to be as big, as large as possible, and you always want to fight back with a black bear,” said Hampton. Black bears tend to be timid and are generally not aggressive.

“When they are utilizing our environment as their habitat in that manner, they are also very likely to defend that territory, ” said Hampton. “And so it can be a dangerous situation when bears get to the point where they are breaking into homes to get food.” In Aspen, three people this summer have been attacked in their own homes, including Maureen Hirsch. A bear came into her house through locked French doors.

From the bears POV the headline should read…Toni Colorado Town Overrun by tasty SNOBS!!!




  1. Hugh Ripper says:

    Bears. Natures answer to insufferable rich kids.

  2. Bat21 says:

    Eat the rich!

  3. Olo Baggins of Bywater says:

    Black bears are timid? All I’ve read about them says they’re the lest predictable of all bears, making them rather dangerous. Maybe they have different black bears out there.

  4. sargasso says:

    Western black lo-calorie biodynamic probiotic Gucci bears.

  5. bobbo, we are all part of the food chain says:

    That reminds me, I’ve got some bear steaks in the Freezer. It is a two way street.

  6. Nth of the 49th says:

    This is exactly the type of advice that will get someone killed.
    If the bear is not interested in you, avoid it, period.
    If there are cubs, back away slowly and get the hell out of there,females with cubs are EXTREMELY dangerous and will charge just for being in the general area of her cubs, a swipe from a black bear can rip open a 45 gallon drum with ease, you don’t have a chance.
    Bears are NOT the cuddly creatures portrayed in the media.
    To the morons in the article advocating throwing rocks and hitting with sticks, grow a fucking brain.

  7. Gary, the dangerous infidel says:

    Ladies, finally here’s a chance to put your anti-rape training to good use. Kick the bear in the nads and blow your rape whistle 😉

  8. pcsmith says:

    I’ve seen this before. Black bears start to appear, people think they are cute and start to feed them. The bear population climbs and the bears begin to associate houses with food and lose their fear of people. Bears start breaking into peoples houses.

    One guy in NJ decided to wrestle with a bear because it was sitting in his backyard making his dog bark. The bear won.

    First you need to eliminate the food source. Garbage, bird feed, etc.

    Some of the rural neighbors use a round of rock salt in the rear end. The bears remember it and stop coming around.

  9. bill says:

    You are nothing but a meat popsicle to them.

    Oh, cute cuddly widdle bear!

  10. and remember ALWAYS carry your ‘bear spray’ with you … the bear appreciate a bit of pepper on their meat ….

    Read this warning sign from a British Columbian park, pretty much sums it up well:

  11. Ah_Yea says:

    Ahhhh! How CUTE!

    An adorable, would never hurt you EVER little bear-kitten!

    Me and my PETA friends will shoo them away with kind words and fluffy feathers!

  12. herdimmunity says:

    The population of these animals needs to be better managed. They could be given sterilization vaccines. Works against all mammals: that includes you.

  13. Hmeyers says:

    Just make sure someone uploads the video of the people following this advice to YouTube.

    It’s important!

  14. soundwash says:

    I think the bigger question that needs to be asked is what part of their food chain has changed (or disappeared) that would warrant them to come into town.

    I forget it if was in canada or alaska, but this year only about 600,000 of a normally 6mil-10million
    strong run of salmon came upstream to spawn this year.

    Large quantities of dead fish and birds are showing up all over the place.. (set a Gmail alert and you see how bad it is in short order)

    Anyway, its a good bet that a major [food] disruption happened in this case as well.

    I know that the sun cycle is responsible for the fertility cycles in many animals [if not all) (esp human females) and that the sunspot cycle is responsible for mutations.

    -with low (or no) sunspot cycles producing the most mutation (and
    the least offspring)

    So again…what food source did not reproduce enough this past year in CO
    to drive the bears in.. find that out and you have your reason.

    The free “Hi-Cal chicken/dumpster” story is a time honoured media cover story that is always used to mask the real reason..

    I’m not buying it as the sole reason the bears are “shopping in town” this year..

    -s

  15. Qon Quixote says:

    Wolf packs are smart enough to leave bears alone, you should be too. Don’t carry open food in the woods. A granola wrapper in the forest is still liter and an attractant.

  16. SparkyOne says:

    Colorado bears on crack?

  17. Bearly Naked says:

    Democrats long ago made guns and sticks illegal in Colorado so what are they thinking?

  18. Mojo Yugen says:

    From the make-up-your-mind department…

    “Black bears tend to be timid and are generally not aggressive.”

    “…three people this summer have been attacked in their own homes.”

  19. Maybe it’s just another case of too many people. Top level predators, even omnivorous ones like ourselves, cannot breed like rats indefinitely. Without humans, bear numbers will be limited by availability of their natural food. With wasteful humans throwing away food all the time and caching large quantities of it in places bears can gain access too, we upset the balance.

  20. #6 – Nth of the 49th,

    Good points. People need to be more knowledgeable about our world and the other intelligences with whom we share it.

  21. #8 – Eric,

    Relocation is the best solution, but if it comes back, it should be put down.

    Shouldn’t they do the same to the humans who don’t lock the dumpster?

    Remember, the bear is a who, not a what. He or she really does have just as much right to live as you or I. If humans are idiots around bears, relocate them to a place with no bears.

    Unfortunately IMNSHO, NYC has already eradicated all of our bears. So, send us your idiot humans, see if they survive here.

    Actually, we could use a few of your bears here too to thin the heard. I’ll probably be first to go as I stand in central park with my camera and say things like “cool, now I’m getting head shots of the bear!! Look at those teeth …”

  22. herdimmunity says:

    Scott, Please go to Colorado and feed yourself to the bears. We need people like you to lead by example or else we’ll never get down to 30 million.

  23. #24 – herd,

    I hope to do so (actually, the Sundabarans sounds even better, call me Purina Tiger Chow). I’m waiting ’til the time is right. For now, I have done my part by avoiding creating more humans, which really does have the same effect.

  24. amodedoma says:

    Oh yes by all means, get agressive with a wild animal dangerous enough to kill and eat you (not necessarily in that order). Are the people of Aspen really that stupid?

  25. msbpodcast says:

    I love the comment: “Eat The Rich!”

    But “bat21” forgot the follow up: “Have it catered.”

  26. Sister Mary Hand Grenade of Quiet Reflection says:

    Any town described as “Toni” should have the residence beat with sticks. You know the douche baggery must be rampant there.

  27. Sister Mary Hand Grenade of Quiet Reflection says:

    Any town described as “Toni” should have the residents beat with sticks. You know the douche baggery must be rampant there.

  28. noname says:

    I will be happy to sell Aspen, Coloradoian my specially made bear smacking stick.

    This small stick is on Sale for $795.63. The Portable large (black bear size) is specially made to be light and folds into your pocket and is going fast at $1025.95.

    Our sticks are like no others and have been field tested and found very effective.

    All sticks come with an original owner lifetime money back guarantee. We haven’t had a customer return a stick yet.

    Order yours now, while supplies last.

  29. Gary, the dangerous infidel says:

    #30 noname, funny!

    But seriously, it’s a shame that someone would consider buying sticks that aren’t limited edition with certificates of authenticity like my sticks are. Made of ultra-hard quebracho wood from the our private forest in South America, our sticks are guaranteed against breakage in even the most savage bear encounter.

    Of course, that level of quality and exclusivity does come at a price, but if you really need to know the cost, you can’t afford it, and you should just leave Aspen on the next smelly bus out of town. Keep saving your pennies until you no longer need to know the price of the world’s finest bear smacking stick 😉

  30. #31 & 32

    Well yoo too guys cen argue all ya like ’bout yer ‘sclusivitee and fancy pancy nancy wood. Heer ’bouts we use thet time tested ole, provened weapon, the All ‘Merican (made in Canada) baseball bat.

    An I use un too. Too when I’m really horny.


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