Who would have thought that the future of weight loss might lie in the hands of the inventor of the Segway? Dean Kamen, creator of the two-wheeled wonder, along with a team from Aspire Bariatrics, of Philadelphia, has applied for a patent for a pump that can suck food and drink straight out of the stomach.

Users are able to stuff their face before draining their stomach by connecting the pump to a valve surgically installed in their abdominal wall. The makers hope to use it to treat the morbidly obese, and to provide an alternative to a gastric bypass.

Initial setbacks – and here’s the really yucky part – have occurred because the pump struggles to break up large foods. One patient reported “clogging” and had to avoid eating cauliflower, broccoli, Chinese food, stir fry, snow peas, pretzels, chips and steak. No chips? It will never catch on.

Seems to me all you need is a wee device fitted at the intake that grinds everything flowing into the intake of the pump.

Also you should be batshit entirely out of your mind.



  1. George says:

    Welcome to America where food is ubiquitous and fat ass Americans need machines to empty their stomachs so they don’t get fatter. It’s obscene.

  2. Supreme Ultrahuman (I see the comment system is still designed for retards.) says:

    Welcome to today’s WTF!?!

  3. Admfubar says:

    Welcome to the American version of the Roman vomitorium…:P

    • msbpodcast says:

      Well, stick your fingers down my throat and make me puke…

      I thought the inventor of the Segway had fallen off a cliff in England(?) a few years ago and died?

  4. The Monster's Lawyer says:

    mmmmmmm…..donuts

  5. msbpodcast says:

    The rest of the world is having to cope with the food supply being so mismanaged around the planet that they’re, more or less, forced to fast a day a week, so what do lard-ass Americans do? Install Garburators™®© down their throats!

    The obvious solution is to STFU, get off the couch and get a life, not to install by-pass plumbing to get rid of the garbage as fast as can you shovel it in…

    Anybody who doesn’t see this for the obscenity that it is doesn’t deserve to breathe.

  6. dadeo says:

    And all excess can be pumped straight to the food banks for the poor and homeless.

  7. ReadyKilowatt says:

    How about we stop subsidizing food production, allow prices to rise and maybe, just maybe, we’ll all find something else to do with our day.

    How many cooking shows, channels, and “news” segments about the new restaurant do we need?

  8. Gorgo says:

    No Shit?

  9. WmDE says:

    Maître d’ Ah, good afternoon, sir; and how are we today?
    Mr Creosote Better.
    Maître d’ Better?
    Mr Creosote Better get a bucket, I’m gonna throw up.

  10. Trex says:

    Dammit, this will destroy my Fart Gas Recycler business.

  11. jimbo says:

    Why the fancy gadgetry? The ancient Romans made do with a finger down the throat, to empty their stomachs into a vomitorium. Or I should qualify that to the rich politicians.

  12. Gildersleeve says:

    Oh man, after Al Roker’s recent “confession” I can’t image running around with a leak prone abdominal valve ON TOP of an inability to judge if that gas comes with a payload.

  13. plarsen says:

    The problem is using only a pump. Another shortsighted invention.
    The solution is obvious. Not only a pump should be used but also a garbage disposal shall be surgically inserted into the throat.
    Of course this means no fingers in the throat and it also would be a bummer for some professions such as porn, prostitution and sword swallowers.

  14. OvenMaster says:

    This is idiotic. When my dad had abdominal surgery in the late 90′s, the doctors put a hole into his stomach from the outside and connected a vacuum hose to it, removing stomach contents as soon as it appeared so nothing would enter his intestines until he was sufficiently healed. This appears to be simply a portable version of the same principle.

    Instead of going through a medical procedure with potential complications as well as cost considerations for the device, the surgery, the food, why not just eat less?