Patty melt — eat one and you are Dunn
HP Investor Relations: HP Board of Directors — If any of you have ever served on a board you can imagine what might happen on the emergency Sunday HP Board meeting. I imagine it will go something like this:
Imaginary HP Board Meeting
Conference call, Sunday
Board member 1: You all know why we called this meeting. Patty, you’re going to have to resign. This is getting out of control.
Board member 2: You know we think you’ve done a great job, but you have to resign.
Dunn: I thought you were going to support me through this. I’m very disappointed.
Board member 3: We DO support you and we are not calling for you to resign. You have to do this on your own. If you stay on because we insisted then we are liable and according to the lawyers we might be as responsible as you for everything you did if any laws or rules were broken. If we call for you to resign the lawyers say that that will serve as proof that we know you did something wrong and that would be worse – for us!
Dunn: But how will this work? I already said I wouldn’t quit unless you told me to!
Board member 1: We can’t tell you to and we can’t tell you not to or we’re toast. Shareholder lawsuits are ruining the country. That’s why Perkins quit. He saw this coming a mile away.
Board member 2: He was always out-thinking us.
Dunn: So what do I do?
Board member 4: You have to resign before we either tell you to resign or tell you to stay. In fact we’ve said nothing. Comprendez?
Dunn: Uh, yes I’m afraid so.
Board member 1: It goes like this. You resign before any decision was made by us telling you to resign or stay. That’s what happened at this meeting according to you. You decided before the meeting. We will be shocked by it. You’ll do it this way because you saw the negative reaction in the press and this was becoming a distraction from the great things happening at HP. You felt it was best for the company after a few days of reflection. So you quit before it got worse. We’ll say we were disappointed but stand by your personal decision. We — the board — never got to do anything one way or the other.
Board member 2: We will then make all sorts of public statements telling everyone how unfortunate all this was and how great you are. Will that be OK?
Dunn: I guess.
Board member 3: The public relations agency will package this for you.
Dunn: I need another package too.
Board member 4: Of course, I think there is a good sum in the contract that you’ll be getting.
Dunn: It was good working with you. Sorry all this happened.
CLICK
You know, I think the public would be better served if Sarbanes-Oxley was dropped in favor of recording these board meetings and making them public. It is a public company after all. Funny idea, no?
Let’s see how close I get to nailing this one.
Dang, you’re good!
Awesome.
This whole mess is revolting on so many levels.
If only you’d blogged against Sarbanes Oxley at the time. Could it have made a difference? I think shareholder lawsuits are a bigger problem though.
Why ruin the whole weekend? They could meet Monday. A Sunday board meeting is sleazy and makes HP look bad. As if they don’t look bad enough!
It has to be resolved before the start of business so the PR ducks can be in a row before the morning bell.
Great fictional HP Sunday meeting. With me on the board.
Me: I was supposed to golf today. I’m here so let’s get this done so I can get out of here. Who’s idea was this?
Dunn: Certainly not mine. I missed my spa appointment Saturday and they cancelled on us. I need a good mud bath!
Me: Who are they?
Dunn: Not us.
Board member 1: We can’t tell you to resign and we can’t tell you not to or we’re toast. Shareholder lawsuits are ruining the country. That’s why Perkins quit. He saw this coming a mile away.
Me: Don’t include me in with we. I say resign and get a mud bath and I’ll go golfing. Are we done?
An HP PR Bullshit generator like the Web 2.0 Bullshit generator would be useful at this time.
John, Once they get the PR ducks in a row they can recontextualize vertical mindshare and grow front-end networks while they extend bleeding-edge models. Dunn can matrix killer users which should transform proactive models for the solutions business. That’s what Carly did best.
Are the ducks in a row so a single slug may get many?
The HP ducks will extend collaborative experiences and strategize interactive systems. The main idea is to cultivate enterprise users using whiteboard bleeding-edge vortals while we discuss e-solutions. On Monday we can seize ubiquitous channels and visualize leading-edge infomediaries, before the bell of course.
Uncle Jim
With help from http://dack.com/web/bullshit.html
HP must objectively re-engineer principle-centered leadership. Assertively matrix state of the art partnerships should help. Dunn could energistically architect one-to-one models from what I’ve heard.
With the right PR ducks HP can continually synthesize sticky expertise, only if they energistically procrastinate premier initiatives! I’m really sure it will all work out because of intrinsicly incentivize intermandated potentialities which nobody can deny exist. That’s why Dunn is a top corporate leader.
Uncle Jim,
Senior Solutions Provider Representative
Outsource Director of HR
Thanks to http://www.atrixnet.com/bs-generator.html
Apparently Uncle Jim hasn’t yet finished playing with his new toy.
Meh, the worst thing HP ever did was drive a stake into the hearts of HP/UX and Tru64. I guess I’m a little bitter about not having intoned the geek mantra “Whoa, that’s cool!” since Apple decided to adopt NeXT instead of Be, Inc.
Hey Jim..do the joke once. It loses any indication that you actually have a genuine sense of humor when you do it over and over and over like a psycho.
Sorry John. I figured if it was worth a laugh, it was good for ten. I guess I’m not a good humorist.