The Telegraph – More than half of all Britons have been injured by biscuits ranging from scalding from hot tea or coffee while dunking or breaking a tooth eating during a morning tea break, a survey has revealed. An estimated 25 million adults have been injured while eating during a tea or coffee break – with at least 500 landing themselves in hospital, the survey revealed.

The custard cream biscuit was found to be the worse offender to innocent drinkers. It beat the cookie to top a table of 15 generic types of biccy whose potential dangers were calculated by The Biscuit Injury Threat Evaluation. Hidden dangers included flying fragments and being hurt while dunking in scalding tea through to the more strange such as people poking themselves in the eye with a biscuit or fallen off a chair reaching for the tin. One man even ended up stuck in wet concrete after wading in to pick up a stray biscuit. Custard creams get a risk rating of 5.63, the highest of all.

This compared to 1.16 for Jaffa cakes, which was the safest biscuit of all in the evaluation. Research company Mindlab International were commissioned by Rocky, a chocolate biscuit bar maker, to conduct the research. It found almost a third of adults said they had been splashed or scalded by hot drinks while dunking or trying to fish the remnants of a collapsed digestive.

It also revealed 28 per cent had choked on crumbs while one in 10 had broken a tooth or filling biting a biscuit. More unusually, three per cent had poked themselves in the eye with a biscuit and seven per cent bitten by a pet or “other wild animal” trying to get their biscuit.

Monty Python couldn’t write stuff this good.

  1. Hmeyers says:

    Good job guys …

    .. and you wonder why the British Empire fell apart.

  2. bobbo, international health care reform expert says:

    I assume this is from the british version of the Onion? — “Scallions?”

  3. Rupert_Bear says:

    I can honestly say, as a Brit, I’ve never been injured by a biscuit. Maybe I’ve played it safe by sticking to the Jaffa Cakes.

  4. jbellies says:

    Where’s the BS (Biscuit Scone) meter when you need it?

  5. honeyman says:

    Its a sad but common occurrence that many Brits have been savaged by wild badgers in the course of acquiring a biscuit to have with their tea. Why wont the government DO something?

  6. birdpuppy says:

    the uk does have rednecks cant eat a biscuit but climp the f@#k out of a tree

    [Excuse me? – ed.]

  7. Schleprock says:

    Is being a biscuit eating, tea sipping, fish and chips chomping chap considered a pre-existing condition.
    Thank goodness they have public health care!

  8. TooManyPuppies says:

    I predict this time next year biscuits and “eating during a morning tea break” will be banned in the UK. The entire population will be required to view at least 20 hours of CCTV footage from camera’s throughout their neighbors house, including video of their underage teenage daughters in the shower, to monitor for illegal “biscuit” or rug munching activities.

  9. goldbug says:


    “Research company Mindlab International were commissioned by Rocky, a chocolate biscuit bar maker, to conduct the research.”

    If a private company wants to throw its money away on something useless like this, so be it. McCullough is trying to insinuate that this is somehow tied to the British nanny state; I see no evidence of from the article.

  10. Animby says:

    In related news: Water was given a danger rating of 9.61…

  11. Buzz says:

    Obviously, injuries suffered during any activity should lead to the complete and utter cessation of that activity.

    New survey sez:
    At some time in one’s life, one will be injured, unexpectedly. Obviously the conclusion is that no person should be allowed to live life.

  12. chuck says:

    “An estimated 25 million adults have been injured while eating during a tea or coffee break… ”

    I guess it’s a good thing they have National Health.

  13. natefrog says:

    You can’t fix stupid.

  14. Ho-Lip Tex says:

    Monty Python actually did write this type of story. The only difference being that they thought that the evil food would turn people into Scotsmen.

  15. Glenn E. says:

    So let me get this straight. Some UK biscuit maker, commissioned some lab to do a study, sighting who dangerous their competitor’s biscuits were, compared to their own product no doubt. Proving, with enough money, you can subvert science in practically every field of research. Biscuits! Really!

    BTW, I’ve been seeing this movie “Juggernaut” rerun on the “THIS” network. And near the start, the bomb defuser Tony Fallon, is working on a bomb built out of a biscuit tin, and left in a public place. So you see just how dangerous biscuits can be. Someone must have REALLY had it in for English biscuits, to make a bomb out of them.

  16. bonkersbrit says:

    I knew it I knew it, no one believed it. They’re lurking in every corner waiting to take over the world.
    Sorry I’ve got to go it’s nearly tea time.

  17. Benjamin says:

    You need more laws because, without them you can’t rule innocent men.” Paraphrase of an Ayn Rand quote.


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