This is NOT the Large Hadron Collider and the scientific staff of CERN

Bad news, citizens of Earth: those evil physicists at CERN are once again hellbent on vaporizing the Earth and ending the universe as we know it as the Large Hadron Collider ramps up to unprecedented energies. That’s according to Lonnie Robinson, intrepid correspondent/prophet of doom for The Daily Reporter in Coldwater, Michigan, who sees the signs of our imminent destruction everywhere he looks (including The Simpsons). He even pegs the specific day on which we can probably expect global annihilation: September 24, 2015.

The good news: Lonnie Robinson is full of shit.

Seriously, I am baffled that this article ever found its way into The Daily Reporter. At first I thought it had to be The Onion or a similar satirical site, but no — it’s an actual newspaper. Were the editors asleep at the wheel?…

..These are words that Robinson actually wrote, and presumably some editor at The Daily Reporter approved: “Two of the major goals for CERN is to collapse and break apart the God Particle that creates and maintains our physical world and to tear a hole through the veil that is the barrier protecting our physical universe from the unknown, non-physical universes and other non-physical dimensions believed to be located outside our physical universe…. CERN destroys matter, and everything in our universe is matter. Destroying physical matter eliminates the restrictions and barriers produced by physical matter that keeps us from entering the non-physical universes around us.”

There is so much wrong in that short excerpt, it’s not even worth debunking. This is the full-on crazy mode of the hardcore conspiracy theorist, made crystal clear by this little gem:

“CERN is being used as a stargate, so that human scientists will be able to go to and from currently unknown, perhaps very hostile, non-physical worlds and dimensions located and currently unseen, outside our physical universe.”…

…Note to Robinson: The Stargate franchise is not a documentary. And neither was Interstellar.

Robinson may be serious. I think it more likely the article was produced as clickbait for a smalltown newspaper with nothing else to do to pass the time.

  1. Mike says:

    Stargate isn’t a documentary? Crap, 15 years wasted.

  2. Der Kommissar says:

    According to this report, the near catastrophic meteor impact occurring in Iran on 31 July which set off a 5.2 magnitude trembler was, in fact, a coordinated Federation-Iranian “successful intersection” of an “identified” alien spacecraft whose extraterrestrial entities are known to be working with certain elements of the United States military against both Russia and Israel.

    Iran is trying to expand its empire much like Hitler’s Germany before World War II, former CIA Director James Woolsey said Monday, citing Tehran’s moves to exert its influence in Syria, Iraq, Lebanon and Yemen.

    “They are doing it on a highly ideological basis. They never cease chanting ‘Death to Israel’ and ‘Death to the United States,'” Woolsey said in a CNBC “Squawk Box” interview. “They are an imperial power and trying to become more of an imperial power.”

    Europe now being invaded by Iranian Imperial Nazi Alien Force. Germany opening reception centers.

    “In 2013, this report continues, Federation “assets” were able to obtain a Top Secret US Homeland Security video of an alien spacecraft operating over this former Puerto Rico SAC base, which the Federal Security Services (FSB) then forwarded to the Scientific Coalition of Scientists for UFOlogy (SCU) for further examination.” All Puerto Rican banks cleaned out. ATM machines not working due to alien attack virus from Russia.

  3. ± says:

    Also, we’re screwed now.

    Everyone reading this can be the coolest one in the room as everything around them starts to disassociate and you are the only one who knows what is happening. Of course you only have a few seconds to be cool. :mrgreen: :heart:

  4. Anonmous -- NO! Not THAT Anonoymous says:

    I can remember a time when Dvorak was seriously into real world TECH and more important tech related subjects. But I suppose even very real world threats like the new highly invasive Windows 10 operating system, Dvorak finds crap like this more note/news worthy. Talk about “click bait”!

    … Kinda makes me wonder what other nuggets of info I will find here. BROWN nuggets, that is.

    … BTW, if you “have nothing to hide” and don’t care about your anonymity online nor how Microsoft is poised to be your digital master in ways you can’t even conceive of yet (with the introduction of Windows 10), you’ve already given up freedom — YOU SUCK! Dvorak isn’t helping either.

    • Ah_Yea says:

      I second Pedro’s thoughts. Except for some of Perkel’s postings (which I enjoy), this blog has nothing to do with tech.

      It’s more about clueless people like Eideard. To whit, “Seriously, I am baffled that this article ever found its way into The Daily Reporter.”

      It’s not hard to figure out. The Daily Reporter published this article so to co-opt naive bloggers thereby unwittingly increasing the public view of the Daily Reporter.

      So yes, the editors knew exactly what they were doing. This also shows the level of intelligence of one Dvorak’s bloggers.

  5. Benjamin says:

    The image is from the TV show Stargate: Universe, not Stargate. Get your facts right, Eideard.

  6. Marc Pugner says:

    And yet, if Elon Musk had made these predictions, we all know Perkel would be among the first to welcome our new alien overlords.

    • Ah_Yea says:

      Knowing Elon Musk is next to GOD, if he said it then it must be true!! Therefore the acolytes espousing the doctrine of ELON would only be enlightening the world.

  7. mojo says:

    Cool, let’s go. My bags are packed.

  8. Glenn E. says:

    They canceled that particular Doomsday machine franchise, in 2011. No more Stargate Universe. Not even a feature Tv movie or two, to ween us off it. Just kill it, cancel it, destroy all sets, and salt the earth beneath it. When Tv execs really want something dead, it usually stays dead.

    Until they’re so desperate for new series ideas, that they’ll even retrieve something from the deep grave, that they dug for it. And sort-of, kind-of, bring it back. Like that new Jonny Quest ripoff.


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