Dvorak News Blog

“Battlefield Earth” Screenwriter’s Hilarious Apology that Skewers Scientology

By Uncle Dave Sunday March 28, 2010

Read the whole article about how a good script got turned into what is considered the worst film of the last decade. And speaking of Scientology, CNN’s Anderson Cooper is doing a week-long series on the cult which is getting sued over violence in their Sea Org unit.

Let me start by apologizing to anyone who went to see “Battlefield Earth.” It wasn’t as I intended — promise. No one sets out to make a train wreck. Actually, comparing it to a train wreck isn’t really fair to train wrecks, because people actually want to watch those.

It started, as so many of my choices do, with my Willy Wonker.

It was 1994, and I had read an article in Premiere magazine saying that the Celebrity Center, the Scientology epicenter in Los Angeles, was a great place to meet women.

Willy convinced me to go check it out. Touring the building, I didn’t find any eligible women at first, but I did meet Karen Hollander, president of the center, who said she was a fan of [my film] “Robin Hood: Men in Tights.” […] Eventually, I had dinner with John Travolta, his wife Kelly Preston, Karen — about 10 Scientologists in all.
[…]
I researched Scientology before signing on to the movie, to make sure I wasn’t making anything that would indoctrinate people. I took a few courses, including the Purification Rundown, or Purif. You go to CC every day, take vitamins and go in and out of a sauna so toxins are released from your body. You’re supposed to reach an “End Point.” I never did, but I was bored so I told them I had a vision of L. Ron. They said, “What did he say?” “Pull my finger,” was my response. They said I was done.
[…]
My script was very, VERY different than what ended up on the screen. My screenplay was darker, grittier and had a very compelling story with rich characters. What my screenplay didn’t have was slow motion at every turn, Dutch tilts, campy dialogue, aliens in KISS boots, and everyone wearing Bob Marley wigs.

Climate Change? Ya Ain’t Seen Nothin’ Yet as Scientists Say Earth Enters New Epoch

By Uncle Dave Sunday March 28, 2010

29 Comments

Real or propaganda to get us to accept man-made climate change? Climate change is happening, but is what man is doing having a bigger effect than volcanoes and other natural sources? For example, a new study suggests our love of beef and chicken isn’t creating the problems first thought. Of course, that might be propaganda the other way.

Geologists from the University of Leicester are among four scientists- including a Nobel prize-winner — who suggest that Earth has entered a new age of geological time.

The Age of Aquarius? Not quite — It’s the Anthropocene Epoch, say the scientists writing in the journal Environmental Science & Technology. And they add that the dawning of this new epoch may include the sixth largest mass extinction in Earth’s history.
[…]
The scientists propose that, in just two centuries, humans have wrought such vast and unprecedented changes to our world that we actually might be ushering in a new geological time interval, and alter the planet for millions of years. Zalasiewicz, Williams, Steffen and Crutzen contend that recent human activity, including stunning population growth, sprawling megacities and increased use of fossil fuels, have changed the planet to such an extent that we are entering what they call the Anthropocene (New Man) Epoch.
[…]
The scientists note that getting that formal designation will likely be contentious. But they conclude, “However these debates will unfold, the Anthropocene represents a new phase in the history of both humankind and of the Earth, when natural forces and human forces became intertwined, so that the fate of one determines the fate of the other. Geologically, this is a remarkable episode in the history of this planet.”

Bank Robbers Called Ahead To Have Bag o’ Cash Ready For Them

By Uncle Dave Sunday March 28, 2010

7 Comments

We have a real criminal training crisis in this country. Story after story appears about dumb criminals getting caught for dumb crap. Nobody’s pulling exciting ‘Die Hard’-level crimes anymore. We obviously need a multipronged, government sponsored (this guy for Crime Training Czar!) effort to teach these unfortunates how to be successful in their chosen field. And with expensive, overcrowded prisons, we need to ensure they don’t go to jail.

Do it for the children!

Police in Connecticut say even they were surprised by the actions of these criminals: two would-be robbers called a bank ahead of time to get the money ready and were arrested at the scene.

Fairfield police say they arrested 27-year-old Albert Bailey and an unidentified 16-year-old boy on robbery and threatening charges Tuesday afternoon at the People’s United Bank branch on Stratfield Road.

Sgt. James Perez says the two Bridgeport residents called the bank and told a worker to get a bag of money ready. Perez says they showed up at the bank 10 minutes later, but police had been notified and arrested the suspects in the parking lot.

Perez told the Connecticut Post he classifies the suspects as “not too bright.”

“He thought if he could save one chubby girl, he’s done his job” — The Horror of the Vegetarian Meat Massacre

By Uncle Dave Sunday March 28, 2010

8 Comments

A knife-wielding man was arrested earlier this week in what police called a meat massacre at a south-central Indiana supermarket.

Several people called 911 on Wednesday morning to report a man with a knife in the Jay C Food Store. […] “Got a man with a knife who’s doing things,” another caller said.
[…]
Police said Anthony Coffman, 28, used a hunting knife to cut through meat packages, throwing open containers of raw beef on the floor. He then poured dog food over some of the meat in hopes of contaminating it so it couldn’t be sold, said Edinburgh police Deputy Chief David Lutz.

A store employee tried to stop Coffman, but gave up when he threatened the employee with the knife, police said.

Coffman told police that he is a vegetarian and gets upset when others consume beef, telling the employee that God sent him to ruin the meat and that he was trying to save little girls from food he believes would make them “chubby.”

Have the Democrats Grown a Pair?

By Marc Perkel Saturday March 27, 2010

58 Comments

I think the Democrats are fired up and ready to go. I think Obama has opened up a can of whoop-ass on the Republicans.

Giant Chinese Deodorant Guns to Mask the Stench of Capitalism

By honeyman Saturday March 27, 2010

19 Comments

Beijing is to install 100 deodorant guns at a stinking landfill site on the edge of the city in a bid to dampen complaints about the capital’s rubbish crisis.

The giant fragrance sprays will be put in place by May at the Asuwei dump site, one of several hundred tips that are the focus of growing public concerns about sanitation, environmental health and a runaway consumer culture.
[…]
The high-pressure guns, which can spray dozens of litres of fragrance per minute over a distance of up to 50m, are produced by several Chinese firms and based on German and Italian technology. They are already in use at several landfill sites, but they are merely a temporary fix.
[…]
Beijing’s waste problem – and China’s – is expanding as fast as its economy, at about 8% each year. With millions more people now able to afford Starbucks, McDonald’s, Kentucky Fried Chicken and other elements of a western, throwaway lifestyle, the landfill sites and illegal tips that ring the capital are close to overflowing.

According to the local government, the city of 17m people generates 18,000 tonnes of waste every day – 7,000 tonnes more than the capacity of municipal disposal plants.

I wonder if these things could be used to disperse Soma.

“Honey, how do I look in my ‘Biniki’ butt lifter bra?”

By Uncle Dave Saturday March 27, 2010

13 Comments

A California psychologist says she has invented a strappy device that lifts a woman’s derriere like a bra lifts her breasts.

The creation of Dr. Karin Hart’s “Biniki” butt lifter was sparked by Hart’s dissatisfaction with her own rear view after losing weight, the New York Daily News reports.

Hart started using self-adhesive tape to lift her buttocks under clothing. When women at the gym inquired about her handiwork, the idea for the Biniki was born.
Hart’s Web site says she is currently in the process of patenting her work.

Besides the Biniki, Hart has already created a Maniki for men and the Throng, a thong version of her Biniki.

Nevada’s First Legal “Prostidude” Quits After Servicing Only 10 Women

By Uncle Dave Saturday March 27, 2010

15 Comments

America’s first legal male prostitute has left a rural Nevada brothel after a two-month stint that generated plenty of attention but fewer than 10 paying customers. Brothel owner Jim Davis said Friday the Shady Lady Ranch had parted ways with the “prostitude” who worked under the name Markus. A replacement has been hired, but Davis hinted it was possible that Markus, a 25-year-old Alabama native, could be back. “I don’t know, he hasn’t told us yet,” Davis said.
[…]
Bobbi Davis, who co-owns the brothel with her husband and runs it as its madam, told the Las Vegas Review-Journal the departure of Markus was a mutual decision. She said the brothel would keep employing men to have sex with women, including its latest hire, a Las Vegas man in his mid-30s who works under the name Y. Not and has had about 10 customers.

The focus of the business, however, will remain on women prostitutes serving men, she said. Male companions were “never the main course,” she said. “We’re going to try it for a while longer.”

This guy wanted to be first, but was rejected for some reason

NPR Replacing “Pro-Choice” and “Anti-Abortion” with More PC Phrases

By Uncle Dave Saturday March 27, 2010

60 Comments

Why don’t we get rid of the word ‘war’ while we’re at it. It’s got this awful connotation, so let’s start calling it, ‘fluffy bunnies.’

“The fluffy bunnies in Afghanistan took a turn for the worse today as naughty boomers [formerly ‘suicide bombers’] killed dozens in several cities.”

Now doesn’t that make you feel better?

If you’re like most people, you talk about the abortion debate using a couple of simple, concise terms whose meaning we can all pretty much agree on (no matter how bitterly we disagree about the underlying politics): pro-choice versus pro-life.

At NPR, however, that doesn’t fly anymore. As of this week, journalists at the radio network are under orders to refrain from using those two phrases. Instead, they’ve been instructed to say “in favor of abortion rights” and “opposed to abortion rights.” “This updated policy is aimed at ensuring the words we speak and write are as clear, consistent and neutral as possible,” explained managing editor David Sweeney in a memo alerting staffers to the change. While the two verboten terms can still make it into copy if they’re part of an organization’s name or a direct quote, the preferred locutions are to be used in all other instances.

The motive behind this move is solid enough. “Pro-choice” and “pro-life” both began, essentially, as propaganda — expressions conceived to curry maximum sympathy for the positions they represent. How can anyone be against choice? Or against life? Why, you’d have to be downright evil!

But, over time, through sheer repetition, both phrases have lost their connotative crackle. When I call someone pro-choice, I’m not praising his dedication to the exercise of free will any more than I’m describing someone as generous and open-minded when I call him a liberal. They’re words. They mean what they mean because we all agree that’s what they mean.

A Crop Circle Year in Review

By Uncle Dave Friday March 26, 2010

17 Comments

Kids Souvenirs Confiscated by TSA

By John C Dvorak Friday March 26, 2010

16 Comments

I only run this photo (found or taken by Aubrey Ingraham via Metalsucks) because it came up in the conversation recently where an office know-it-all said these water and confetti-filled glass balls were exempt.

Tasering Pregnant Woman Three Times Gets OK’d by Court

By John C Dvorak Friday March 26, 2010

24 Comments

Three Seattle police officers were justified when they used a stun gun on a pregnant mother who refused to sign a traffic ticket, a federal appeals court ruled Friday in a case that prompted an incredulous dissent.

Malaika Brooks was driving her son to Seattle’s African American Academy in 2004 when she was stopped for doing 32 mph in a school zone. She insisted it was the car in front of her that was speeding, and refused to sign the ticket because she thought she’d be admitting guilt.

Rather than give her the ticket and let her go on her way, the officers decided to arrest her. One reached in, turned off her car and dropped the keys on the floor. Brooks stiffened her arms against the steering wheel and told the officers she was pregnant, but refused to get out, even after they threatened to stun her.

The officers – Sgt. Steven Daman, Officer Juan Ornelas and Officer Donald Jones – then stunned her three times, in the thigh, shoulder and neck, and hauled her out of the car, laying her face-down in the street.

As far as I know you never have to sign the ticket. It just goes against you in court. But I guess these a-holes demanded it and expected it. This is Seattle for you.

Found by Aric Mackey.